i love your smile. i love you hair. i love the way you look at me when i say something funny. i love the way you smell (your good smell, not when your stinky haha). i love the way you say my name. i love the way you act all serious and make me smile. i love they was you look at me. i love the way you put your arm around me like nothing happened. i love the way you casually grabbed my hand and didnt ask. i love the way you help me open up to you. i love the way you see through me faking my happiness. i love the way you never give up when i say nothings wrong. i love the way you talk to me, the way you told me you didnt want to go to sleep until i did. i love the way you call me a loser and then say you know i dont mean that to you because i love ya. i love the way you look half awake-half asleep staying up with me. i love the way you sound when i wake you up from your sleep. i love the way you answer the fone when you know its me. i love the way you say goodnite. i love the way you pick on me. i love the way you yell when im quiet. i love it when im around you i feel like i can be myself and you will except me for me. i love the way you dont judge me because of the clothes/shoes i wear or what music i listen to or how my hair is. but i love it when you tell me i like your hair this way. i love the feeling that you think about me every now and then. i love the way you ask whats wrong. i love the way you say my name when u ask whats wrong. i love the way you always make sure im happy, even if it makes you not sometimes. i love the way you say my name when i do sumthing you told me not to, well knowing i would do it ha. i love the way we can juss play/joke around with each other. i love the way you can take "sexual" jokes and not get mad. i love the way you do something to me but then tell me not to do it to you. i love the way you treat me. i love the way i feel when im with or talking to you. i love the way you pay attention and listen to me. i love the way we can be tickle each other and then you pick me up to lay next to you. i love the way you make me feel wanted. i loved that one kiss on my forhead before you left my side. i loved to know that you were mad when you couldnt come see me.

those are just the things i love about you rite now..i can think of many, many, many, more..

<3..no one's princess...i want you as my knight in shining armor.

ps - i think i have a crush on you. i like you alot..i just wish you could see that...

well, it didnt go the way i planned it. i thought it would go bad but it went worst then i thought. and that is no funn. no funn at all. i have butterflies in my tummy and they wont go away. i dont want what happened to change..i wanna pretend like we didnt have that conversation and go on like we were a couple days ago..i liked that alot.

i dont know if i wanna update on here anymore. i think im just gonna stop altogether, or just once a week. i mean, i write stuff that is super personal but want it to go to a certain person and that person doesnt even read it..so i wanna stop but i doubt thats going to happen..

im no one's princess..dont try to be my knight in shining armor..i give up on guys for awhile..i think i like being able to flirting more anyhow, ha not worrying if your boyfriend/girlfriend will get jealous or mad at you..but im afraid of flirting like i was a couple days ago and falling in love and then find that he is flirting with other gurls (like he should because he is single) i would feel used but i would love being with him..so thats what im gonna do..just flirt and make it better then the other girls haha. hopefully he comes back to me..i dont mean as a boyfriend (which would b nicee) but like just to me more then ever..

i guess i still feel the way i did when i woke up this morning..in love with him..but now i just dont care anymore. what happens, happens. And i cant change that i guess. but i can push it in the way i want it to go..

</3..no one important (yes, i changed my name..)

ps - i guess there arent any tonite.

                 [|x FrIeNdS x|]

who's your best friend(s)?::brandon s, brandon d, deej, brittany, sadie, guter, timmy, and kevin (no one knows him..)
who are you with the most?::rite at the moment..brandon s
who do you get sick of the fastest?::no one really..
who do you argue with the most?::sadie (she is winning so far..)
who have you known the longest?::sadie
who do you think you'll be friends with longest?::the way things are going rite now..brandon s (i will probably lose kevin..)
whos the funniest?::tie-brandon s & deej..they have the same jokes and same amount of one liners
smartest?::timmy
most trustworthy?::well all of them really
daring?::again tie i think-brandon s & deej
honest?::um..honestly?..everyone except sadie..she follows the crowd..sry sade.
talented?::timmy! you have NO idea
who has the nicest eyes?::omg! brandon s (hot 'n sexy eyes! love 2 look at them), deej baby blue very pretty, guter the way his hair is with them is nice looking, and kevin
smile?::brandon s..most def.!
fashion sense?::lol whats funny is its deej..pretty sure..but i love brandon s clothes they rock \m/
body?::brandon s, deej, and timmy

                 [|x FaMiLy x|]

sisters?::none
brothers?::2 younger - going into 5th (jake) and 6th grade (zack)
parents?::mom (heidi) & dad (dan)
favorite sibling?::tie-jake helps with the animals and zack just leaves me alone haha
parent?::i guess mom..she lets me get away with alot
aunt?:idk..but here are their names lol..aunt b, jane, jeanette, and aunt kate
uncle?::idk..but again, here R their names..uncle toot, doug, thom, and uncle willie
grandparent?::i only have three now :-( and 2 live in GA so my pappy elmer..

                 [|x PeTs x|]

dog?::2 dogs-Hurculese & Boo
cat?::2 11month old kittens-Rocko & Chico
fish?::none..not until we get some 4 the pond
rodent?::none..i want a ferret though (ferrets are rodents rite? lol)
bird?::my uncle has a bird named dalila (i love her!)
snakes?::none..but i want a corn snake because they stay lil lol
misc.?::none..but i want a wolve because they are cool & because brandon s would be jealous of me lol

                 [|x FaVoRiTe x|]

food?::um..i guess pizza?
tv show?::idk whatever is on
movie?::idk..but im likein Van Helsing rite now ;-)
scent?::um..anything but vanilla i guess..i like how guys smell..not that sweaty smell but idk that "guy" smell lol i cant explain it
color?::anything faded, white, baby blue, and dark blue (blue in general)
magazine?::dont have one
flavor?::probably chocolate
fast food restaruant?::fast food would have to be..mcdonalds! totally! i could prob. eat there everyday!
clothing brand?::anything that looks good on me and anything comfy
web site?::i guess..that addicting games site
song?::too many to choose from
drink?::idk..
alchohol?::i like jello shots haha (call me retarded but..i HATE coors and coors light)
book?::idk..um..the boyfriend list, jakes orphan, cut, and bloody jack
shampoo?::i use suave..so thats my fav?
letter?::B..B-cause its the second letter of the alphabet..lol
number?::6 & 19
band?::too many to choose from
solo artist?::too many to choose from
actor?::idk
actress?::idk
month?::3 way tie-january, augyst, and october
music (ex. rock, punk, country)?::a little bit of everything
time of day?::night-time
video game?::whatever is funn
cereal?::um..pops?
cartoon character?::anyone from family guy and i the south park crew lol they are cute
reality tv show?::um..idk one of my fav's is real world
game show?::idk..

                 [|x LoVe x|]

do you have a bf/gf?:: no i dont have a boyfriend..
do you believe in love at first sight?::nope, they gotta walk by twice lol j.k..idk if i do
do you have a crush?::yes!
best love song?::um..idk there are a lot of them
have you ever been in love?::yes..sadly it didnt work out..but idk if i believe in love so i guess i would just idk..i believe in saying "i love you" but idk its hard to explain..just ask me..
has anybody ever told you they loved you?::yes. and i think i regret hearing now knowing something about him..but it felt rite at the time..

                 [|x WhEnS tHe LaSt TiMe YoU... x|]

ate?::a couple hours ago..
showered?::this morning like every day
slept?::i woke up at 1030 on 8 hours of sleep
threw up?::a few months ago at like 1 in the morning
went to the bathrrom?::just a few mintues ago..tea goes through you fast lol
kissed somebody?::4 days ago
hugged somebody?::4 days ago
chewed gum?::a looong time ago lol
changed your clothes?::this morning after my shower (i got into clean bed clothes)
watched tv?::acctually WATCHED..real world austin
said "i love you"?::wow! um..june 3rd i think..yea b.c june 4th it was over..
were in the hospital?::um..not too long ago a few months..mono sux!
imed somebody?::like..30 seconds ago
somebody imed you?::juss now
got a letter?::last like january
got an email?::today
talked on the phone?::sometime around 8pm
went swimming?::saterday at idlewild! super funn!
talked to your parents?::about 10 mintues ago (mom)
drank water?::um..this morning
wrote/passed a note?::wow! a note..not a letter..um..i think like may 26th
wore shoes?::at like 830 9 o'clock

                 [|x HaVe YoU eVeR... x|]

kissed someone of the same sex?::nope..well my lil 3 yr old cousin on da cheek
went skinny dipping?::nope..no one asked b.c no one likes me lol
broke the law?::um..underage drinking, and underage driving..but not at the same time..2 different days
been in a cop car?::nope never
gotten drunk?::nope..but i felt a lil funny and sick to my stomache after those 4 jello-shots..they were in bigger cup then last time :-D
been in hand cuffs?::um..fake ones not real cop ones (hand cuffs rite? lol)
gotten high?::never
ate a lemon?::yes i have
stopped eating?::yepp..many times
hurt somebody physically, emotionally, or socially?::yes..but not on purpose..i mean well but it comes out alll wrong
made somebody bleed?::um..im pretty sure i did..lol i dont know
snuck out past curfew?::nope..i dont have a curfew..i went on my porch & trampoline when my rents were asleep but thats it lol
stole a street sign?::yes
spray painted anything?::yes
played an instrument?::um..no
stole anything from K-Mart?::lol no..well i stole something off brandon s there lol
stole anything from anywhere else?::i took brandon s cell fone because he took mine..i took his wallet & someone elses wallet but i gave them back
hit your parents?::yeah but juss messin around
ran away form home?::when i was like 7 i went across the yard 2 my grams without telling mom lol i think about it alot but not cuz of my rents..its the perosn im running TO not from
wanted to kill yourself?::yeah but i only think i wanna die thats as close as i got to it
deeply regreted something?::yes omg soo many times
wished you had super powers?::yeah a bunch of times
fell of a building?::out of like those 7-10ft fort things but thats all
went roof hopping?::nope
slept in a garage?::i feel asleep in one
been in a band?::nope thougt about it..not a good idea
gotten surgery?::nope
gotten stitches?::nope
broke a bone?::nope
talked to strangers?::yeah lol
taken food from a buffet?::yeah, eat 'n park all the time lol
kicked, spit, stepped on, etc. your dog on purpose?::i pushed my dog adn threw my dog off my lap but thats it
made a quiz?::yes
gotten suspended, detention, etc.?::nope
been kicked out of a store?::lol no but brandon s got kicked outta the carosel ride in idlewild lol
stayed outside all night?::yes
ran from the cops?::nope
driven a car?::yes
went out with somebody youve never even met?::um..i didnt date them but i went to the movies with them
pranked a teachers house?::nope
egged, corned, ding-ding-ditched?::yes..egged, corned, ddd, towlet papered, and corned their doggs..i think thats it lol

ps - there will be more question thingers soon..

i hate the way you arent with me right now.

it tears me up inside..its like tug-o-war inside..its like i cant decide if i should wait on you or move on without you and hope fate brings us together.

im afraid to wait and you not be there at the end...but im afraid to not wait for you and move on wondering what could have been...

</3..no one important

ps - i had a "List Of Things That I LOVE ABout You" so now i had to make a "List Of Thing That I HATE About You"

Wait until it fades to black
Ride into the sunset
Would I lie to you?
Well, I've got something to say
Grab your six-gun from your back
Throttle the ignition
Would I die for you?
Well here's your answer in spades

Shotgun sinners
Wild eyed jokers
Got you in my sights
Gun it while i'm holding on

After all is said and done
Climb out from the pine box
Well I'm asking you
'Cause she's got nothing to say
The angels just cut out her tongue
Call her black Mariah
Would I lie to you?
That girl's not right in the brain

Mass convulsions
Strike the choir
By the grace of God
Gun it while I'm holding on

But don't stop if I fall
And don't look back
Oh baby don't stop
Bury me and fade to black

She won't stop me put it down
She won't stop me put it down
She won't stop me put it down
So get your gun and meet me by the door

She won't stop me put it down
She won't stop me put it down
She won't stop me put it down
So baby...

Don't stop if I fall
And don't look back
Oh baby don't stop
Bury me and fade to black

well, lemme start out with last nite after we came home from my lil cousins birftday party...

of course we got home an di jumped on here and later i heard mom crying. dad came in and told me he was taking her back to the hospitol to get checked because there is somehting wrong with her chest (or somehting but i dont wanna go into detail..) so pap came over and watched us.

last nite i couldnt sleep..for a few reasons why (..i wanted to catch up with my cousin erika and i needed to talk to andrew about something and then i wanted to talk to brandon decker) so i was up until 530 on here. i finnally made myself go to sleep and at 830 pap woke me up we all had to go to the hospitol to see mom. so me going on 3 hours of sleep was kinda cranky..i fell asleep for half an hour at the hospitol waiting for the lil shop place to open for breakfast..dad took me and jake down and i saw tall chris! i mean chris ohmer! i couldnt believe it! it had been so long since i seen him! i remember the day adam introducied us..tall chris as i like to call him said i was short but i said he was just tall..anyway pap and me and the boys left around noon and i asked sadie if i could go to her house a lil earlier then 4pm because pap didnt wanna come back out.

at sadies house i mostly hung out with the guys cause robin made sadie do stuff and when she wasnt she was with deej so yeah..i hung out with fred and marky and i kinda talked to bill and ryan nad i goofed around with deej marky and fred. i had alot of fun. then we all decided to walk down the driveway and back! well everyone was on bikes except me and sade so yeah. we were coming back from the end of the driveway and all the guys were liek stopped in the middle of the driveway..i go aww are you waiting for us? and sade goes why R U in the middle of the road!?!? so they said they were "just tired" but then i walked between them and they started to ride again and all of a sudden..smack! rite on the ass, marky hit me...well, more like grabbed me!! freakin bill told him he should! and deej nad fred both knew but didnt tell me! i was ah! idk what i was but i want to get him back soo bad. deej and fred were talking earlier that day and i go what? because they both stopped and looked at me and al of a sudden fred picks me up and flings me over his shoulder and swings me! it was soo much funn but i was scared. i screamed please dont drop me on my head there is something wrong and i cant have it get worst. so he put me on the couch :-D. then after the bike ride marky picked me up like a married couple do (ya know?) and i go please be careful! and fred goes "no. watch her head make sure you dont hit it." (i felt special because fred was watching out for me! no one has ever really said something liek that i mean i know they look out for me but no one has ever said it aloud.) so sadie comes over and starts tickleing him to see if he would drop me! that kinda p!ssed me off..

well anyway yeah. so i hung out with fred most of the time (that was totally fun because we started to grow apart and then we hung out for like a day....that was kool.) and deej talked a lil bit not so much, and marky was koolie but mostly busy. sadie idk, changed.

</3..no one important

ps - im getting so lonely that..im thinking about getting a job, so too bad if you wanna start hanging out because im getting my mom to talk to stacey a.s.a.p. but yeah rite! like anyone wants to hang out with me anyhow..because i doubt you do.

hmm..well idk what so say its not like your gonna leave me any replys BUT..

i got a new cell fone today..i had to get a flip-fone b.c thats all they had anyway..for those who know me as 388*5025...dont call that number anymore lol if you want my new number ask me..or IM me at hckchicksvn

</3 electric guitar princess

um yeah, well, this morning i lost one of my friends again..but whatever im so sure im gonna get that job on the weekends oh god i hope i do but then like brandon and i agreed on, now im gonna miss stuff...oh well like what am i gonna miss? no one does $hit with me now as it is...

anywho, i found out WHY no one talks to me and why no one likes to ask me places...and i found out it was my fault..i messed up..my ex, when we were together, got mad/jealous whenever people talked to me..even his friends, and even deej told me he said it, he always told me why dont you go hangout with your friends you need your friends. but all my friends then were like him and brandon but the whole f*cked up $hit with brandon started and i kinda didnt have brandon (im so sry for all that happened) then and that was my fault and i wanna make it up to him but idk..i feel so eh, idk. but anyway i better be getting that job and if i dont and my summer sucks more then it already does im gonna b so p!ssed..

hmm well i guess thats all i got to say since my friends are droppin like flys..my life is comeing to a very slow and sad end..:-D

</3 electric guitar princess

well heres something..idk..

hey "friends" a couple questions..
why doesnt any1 ever call me?
why doesnt any1 ever ask me to hangout?
why doesnt any1 ever care 2 talk 2 me unless i start it?
why does every1 hate me?
am i that bad of a person no1 wants me 2 be around them?
why do my friends leave me after hangin w/me 4 once & not talk 2 me 4 about a month afterwards?

im sick of waiting on u guys..i thought u were my friends! i love u guys so much & u let me down! im so hurt rite now, do u no or even CARE 2 KNOW how i feel rite now? i feel like i lost u guys..& one million over feelings that i need u guys 2 help me with. but i feel like u all have ur own lives & dont need nor want 2 talk or hangout or befriend me anymore..i just wish i had the balls 2 say it 2 u..

well i give up...you dont gotta worry anymore. i mean IF you did which im guessing and knowing you did...

i give up i dont care anymore im too upset to care..if u come around to me and ask i will be here but im not gonna wait and turn some nice or decent guy down..i still want you kiss but (after this u probably wont want to)..im done worrying i quit.

im done making myself sick over thinking is he thinking of me? is he wanting me to b next to him? does he want me to call him? does me want me as more then a friend? does he want me at all anymore? omg does he like me still? is he ever gonna want to be my boyfriend?...

well im done getting stomache cramps over thinking about it im getting pyhsically sick thinking about it. i dont think he likes me anymore anyways so i will still call and talk to him and hang out but im not gonna try as hard anymore..

with nothing more to say....</3 electric guitar princess i wish you would just be my knight in shining armor..

just write down the first, second, or third and then the numbers with it that qualify..i will make a reply showing an example.....

%*first one*%

WOULD U...
[1] go out with me?
[2] give me your number?
[3] kiss me?
[4] let me kiss you?
[5] watch a movie with me?
[6] let me take you out to dinner?
[7] let me drive you somewhere
[8] cut some rug with me?
[9] take a shower with me?
[10] be my bf?
[11] have a fling with me?
[12] let me buy you a drink?
[13] take me home for the night?
[14] Would you let me sleep in your bed?
[15] Sing car karaoke w/ me?
[16] re-post this for me to answer your questions?
[17] give me a piggyback ride?
[18] Come pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere
[19] Lock me in your room and take advantage of me?
[20] lick my cheek?
[21] dance with me?
[22] let me make you breakfast?
[23] tap that ass?
[24] help me with homework?
[25] tickle me to death?
[26] let me tickle you?
[27] stick up for me if i was being put down?
[28] carress my body?
[29] play strip poker with me?
[30] say yes if i asked you out?
[31] borrow a pair of my underwear if yours for some reason got ruined?
[32] let me borrow your underwear if for some reason mine got ruined?
[33] get wasted with me?
[34] instant message me?
[35] greet me in public?
[36] hang out with me?
[37] bring me around your friends?

%*second one*%

D0 Y0U...
[1] think im cute?
[2] think im hot?
[3] want to kiss me?
[4] want to cuddle wit me?
[5] want to hook up with me?

ARE WE...
[6] aquintences?
[7] friends?
[8] best friends?
[9] in a relationship?
[10] gonna have kids?

AM i...
[11] smart?
[12] cute?
[13] funny?
[14] cool?
[15] loveable?
[16] adorable?
[17] compassionate?
[18] annoying?
[19] great to be with?
[20] attractive?
[21] mean?
[22] odd?

%*third one*%

HAVE Y0U EVER...
[1] thought about me?
[2] thought there might be an "us"?
[3] thought about hookin up with me?
[4] found yourself wanting a kiss from me?
[5] wished i were there?
[6] grabbed me?
[7] had a crush on me?
[8] idolized me?
[9] wanted my number?
[10] had a dream about me?
[11] been distracted by me?

ARE Y0U...
[12] done with this survey?
[13] happy you know me?
[14] mad at me?
[15] thinkin bout me?
[16] going to repost this so that i will return the favor

got this survey from weepingshadows ...in my last entry there is another survey for YOU to fill out to me..do?

1. (x) Napoleon Dynamite
2. ( ) Saw
3. ( ) White Noise
4. (x) White Oleander
5. (x) Anger Management
6. ( ) 50 First Dates
7. ( ) Jason X
8. (x) Scream
9. (x) Scream 2
10. (x) Scream 3
11. (x) Scary Movie
12. (x) Scary Movie 2
13. (x) Scary Movie 3
14. ( ) American Pie
15. (x) American Pie 2
16. ( ) American Wedding
17. (x) Harry Potter
18. (x) Harry Potter 2
19. (x) Harry Potter 3
20. ( ) Resident Evil I
21. ( ) Resident Evil 2
22. (x) The Wedding Singer
23. ( ) Little Black Book
24. (x) The Village
25. ( ) Donnie Darko
26. (x) Lilo & Stitch
27. (x) Finding Nemo
26. ( ) Finding Neverland
29. (x) 13 Ghosts
30. (x) Signs
31. (x) The Grinch
32. (x) Texas Chainsaw Massacre (new version)
33. ( ) White Chicks
34. (x) Butterfly Effect
35. (x) Thirteen going on 30
36. ( ) I, Robot
37. ( ) Dodgeball
38. ( ) Universal Soldier
39. ( ) A Series Of Unfortunate Events
40. ( ) Along Came A Spider
41. ( ) Deep impact
42. ( ) KingPin
43. ( ) Never Been Kissed
44. (x) Meet The Parents
45. (x) Meet The Fockers
46. (x) Eight Crazy Nights
47. (x) A Cinderella Story
48. ( ) The Terminal
49. ( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
50. (x) Passport to Paris
51. (x) Dumb & Dumber
52. (x) Dumb & Dumberer
53. (x) Final Destination
54. (x) Final Destination 2
55. (x) Halloween
56. (x) The Ring
57. ( ) The Ring 2
58. ( ) Harold & Kumar go to Whitecastle
59. ( ) Practical Magic
60. ( ) Chicago
61. (x) Ghost Ship
62. ( ) From Hell
63. ( ) Hellboy
64. ( ) Secret Window
65. ( ) I Am Sam
66. ( ) The Whole Nine Yards
67. ( ) The Whole Ten Yards
68. ( ) The Day After Tomorrow
69. (x) Child's Play
70. (x) Bride of Chucky
71. ( ) Ten Things I Hate About You
72. ( ) Just Married
73. (x) Gothika
74. (x) A Nightmare on Elm Street
75. (x) Sixteen Candles
76. (x) Bad Boys
77. (x) Bad Boys 2
78. (x) Joy Ride
79. ( ) Seven
80. ( ) Oceans Eleven
81. ( ) Oceans Twelve
82. (x) Identity
83. ( ) Lone Star state of mind
84. ( ) Bedazzled
85. ( ) Predator I
86. ( ) Predator II
87. (x) Independence Day
88. ( ) Cujo
89. ( ) A Bronx Tale
90. ( ) Darkness Falls
91. ( ) Christine
92. ( ) SLC Punk
93. (x) Children of the Corn
94. ( ) My boss' daughter
95. (x) Maid in Manhattan
96. ( ) Frailty
97. ( ) Best bet
98. ( ) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
99. ( ) She's All That
100. ( ) Calendar Girls
101. ( ) Sideways
102. ( ) Mars Attacks
103. ( ) Event Horizon
104. (x) Ever after
105. (x) Forrest Gump
106. ( ) Big Trouble in Little China
107. ( ) X-men 1
108. ( ) X-men 2
109. (x) Jeepers Creepers
110. (x) Jeepers Creepers 2
111. ( ) Catch Me If You Can
112. (x) The Others
113. ( ) Freaky Friday
114. ( ) Reign of Fire
115. (x) Cruel Intentions
116. ( ) PI
117. (x) Swimfan
118. ( ) Miracle
119. ( ) Old School
120. ( ) Ray
121. ( ) The Notebook
122. ( ) K-Pax
123. ( ) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
124. ( ) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
125. ( ) Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
126. (x) Walk to Remember
127. ( ) Boogeyman
128. ( ) Hitch
129. ( ) Back Door Sluts 9
130. ( ) South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut
131. ( ) the Fifth Element
132. ( ) Star wars episode I
133. ( ) Star wars episode II
134. ( ) Star wars episode IV
135. ( ) Star wars episode V
136. ( ) Star wars episode VI
137. ( ) Troop Beverly Hills
138. ( ) Swimming with Sharks
139. ( ) Trainspotting
140. ( ) People under the stairs
141. ( ) Blue Velvet
142. (x) Sound of music
143. (x) Parent Trap
144. ( ) The Burbs
145. ( ) Star Wars III
146. ( ) Meet Joe Black
147. ( ) Wild girls
148. ( ) A Clockwork Orange
149. ( ) The Order
150. (x) Spiderman
151. (x) Spiderman 2
152. ( ) Amelie
153. (x) Mean Girls
154. (x) Shrek
155. (x) Shrek 2
156. ( ) The Incredibles
157. ( ) Collateral
158. (x) The Fast & The Furious
159. (x) 2 Fast 2 Furious
160. ( ) Sky Captain & The World of Tomorrow
161. ( ) Closer
162. (x) The Sixth Sense
163. (x) Artificial intelligence
164. ( ) Love actually
165. ( ) Shutter
166. ( ) Ella Enchanted
167. (x) Princess diaries 1
168. (x) Princess diaries 2
169. (x) Constantine
170. ( ) Million Dollar Baby
171. ( ) Life of David Gale
172. ( ) 25th hour
173. ( ) Vanilla Sky
174. ( ) Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind
175. ( ) Boogie Nights
176. (x) Braveheart
177. ( ) The Anarchist Cook Book
178. ( ) My House In Umbria
179. ( ) Double Jeopardy
180. (x) Monsters, Inc
181. ( ) Kill Bill Vol. 1
182. ( ) Kill Bill Vol. 2
183. (x) Eight Legged Freaks
184. ( ) The Exorcist I
185. ( ) The Exorcist II
186. ( ) The Exorcist III
187. (x) Titanic
188. (x) Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
189. ( ) Underworld
190. (x) Cast Away
192. ( ) Waterworld
193. (x) Wizard Of Oz
194. (x) Super Troopers
195. (x) The Breakfast Club
196. (x) Robin Hood: Men in Tights
197. (x) Billy Madison
198. ( ) Philadelphia
199. (x) Pirates of the Carribbean
200. (x) Edward Scissorhands


Top seven things in your room:
1. brandons hat
2. my cell fone
3. my bathing-suit
4. pretty candles
5. pillows
6. computer
7. pictures

Top seven things you say most:
1. "your such a sped haha"
2. "your retaded but i love you"
3. "hey kiss my butt"
4. "ANYWAY!"
5. "you gotta love me/i gotta love ya"
6. "hey babi"
7. "wait, huh? im lost again..find me"

Seven Things You Can't Live Without:
1. my few best friends
2. my cell fone
3. my computer
4. my family
5. my music
6. my jeans
7. brandons car (thats a joke)

Seven things you want to do before you die:
1. marry that one special guy
2. have 2 kids (ONLY 2 lol)
3. sky dive
4. stop being the way i never wanted to
5. start telling it like it is
6. return the favor to those whom helped me
7. tell the ones i love the truth

Seven other things:
Do You:
Smoke? no
Do drugs? no
Read the newspaper? depends
Pray? slim to none
Have a Job? yes
Attend Church? only when dad makes me
Wish on stars? yes..brandon knows :-/

Have you ever:
Gone skinny dipping? no, im waiting to go with "him" ;-)
Had surgery? no
Swam in the dark? yea
Been to a Bonfire? yeah
Ran away from home? yeah lol
Played strip poker? nope. but i will when i get into college lol *frat boys rock*
Pulled an all nighter? yeah all the time..cant sleep :-(

Seven things in the last 24 hours:
Have you...
Cried? no?
Sang? yea
Been kissed? no..i dont wanna talk about it
Felt stupid? omg, yes!
Talked to an ex? H3LL NO!
Missed someone? YES!
Hugged someone? no..i dont wanna talk about it either

55 things about me...

10 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME:

10. i have low blood pressure

9. i have alot of dizzy-spells

8. i love adult swim

7. i love him

6. i love wearing jeans

5. i like guy clothes better then girls clothes

4. i want to steal all of brandons clothes and put hamburgers on them...no no...MILKSHAKES on them

3. i want to die my hair a differnet color

2. i want to drown 2 people

1. i want to kill more then 7 people

9 WAYS TO STEAL MY HEART:

9. making me feel special

8. call me just to talk

7. hold me/give me something of yours to keep me warm

6. kiss me just to see me smile & blush/tell me how you feel about me..like what you love about me that kinda thing..

5. take care of me when im not feeling well

4. give me little gifts/random things with lil cute meanings just 4 fun

3. ask me how im doing/feeling

2. show up at my house unexpected to hang out/talk

1. ask me to do things out of the blue..be spontaneous

8 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:

8. marry that one special guy

7. have 2 kids (ONLY 2 lol)

6. sky dive

5. stop being the way i never wanted to

4. start telling it like it is

3. return the favor to those whom helped me

2. tell those certain people my true feelings

1. have my dreams come true..

7 THINGS THAT ANNOY ME:

7. not seeing the people i want to be with

6. someone ignoring me around certain pplz; any other time they would talk to me

5. anyone acting/being someone/something theyre not

4. being anything but happy

3. adam being rite about me lol but i appreciate him so much

2. not being able to do what i want, when i want, with who i want, where i want

1. being bored!

6 THINGS I WISH FOR:

6. a best friend who never leaves my side

5. a guy who wont hurt me or screw me over

4. a relationship similar to adam & andreas..they dont get jealous (well they dont but dont mind each other hanging out with the opp. sex) and i wish i had that with a boyfriend..

3. that i wont lose anyone dear to me..not for a verry long time

2. everyone stops with the little rumors and stops backstabbing nad all that little kid shit and grows the f*ck up!!

1. i cant tell you number one..only one person knows this..

5 THINGS THAT I'M AFRAID OF:

5. being in cridical condition or im an inch away from dying but living with the guilt of killing someone dear in a car accident and me living like that...

4. being alone

3. being alone i nthe dark

2. one of my dear, dear, friends going away then dying before i get the chance to say im sry or that i love them

1. losing him again..it hurts too bad and i just wish he would see that

4 ITEMS IN MY ROOM:

4. my big blanket (we used it when he slept over)

3. my pillows!

2. my cell fone

1. brandons hat

3 THINGS I DO EVERY DAY:

3. get a shower

2. do my hair & makeup

1. think of him..

2 THINGS I WANT TO DO RIGHT NOW:

2. tell him how i feel

1. kiss him

1 PERSON I WANT TO SEE RIGHT NOW:

1. brandon because i could use a tickle battle rite about now :-)

wow last nite..earlier this morning was great. theres nothing more i can say..i loved it and i hope today is better.

i have to beg mom to let me do whatever tonite and have my buddy/buddies over..

hmm..totally justin get me wasted but dont hurt me and you know what i mean by that...i trust you wont let anything happen to me that i would regret in the morning..afternoon because of my hangover lol

hmm..thats enough for now..

</3 idk my name rite now..

ps - i love shaulis and deckers voices..shaulis your so hot when you drunk..i mean hotter then usual and decker i like your voice and your laugh just like shaulis's is amazing...haha

omg! once i was done with this entry these were my suggested tags.."i love brandon" "brandon" "brandon flowers" "brandon florwe" i NEVER said love or flowers lol..

wow! kilroy made my day! i mean having brandon just show up outta no where was awesome but  then kilroy said he will have to call friends especially kilroy jr...thats me!! i was like wow, kilroy sayin that, allen and justin asking me to go fishing and brandon coming to see me and givin me liek 10 huggs! and now my day will suck because brandon will probably get into trouble and not b able to come see me again tonite...this bites but i was happy for the first half of my day..

wow well today was pretty awesome...last nite adn early this morning justin and brandon called me and we talked til 330 then i had to get off so mom wouldnt yell so i got off the fone and AOL and layed down pretending to sleep but really i fell asleep for like half an hour then brandon decker called me that was a good wake up his voice is kool...

laken his voice wasnt like i expected lol. laken u lie so bad he did not get a boner lol i think nick was seein things lol. and i wish he said that about my voice that wouldve been wat koolie.

then around 6 i got off the fone with decker because i didnt know if it was gonna cost me or anything..so i got on here and both brandons were either away or not on so i got off layed down around 8 and woke up at 1

i tried to call justin's cell fone but no one answered so i figured brandon wasnt at his house to i couldnt wake my teacher up *wink*

then BRANDON CAME OVER!! that was fun but he only came for about 5-10 minutes but still! lol oh yeah hey brandon, i wont the tickling AND licking battle!! what not!! haha you wont ge tme back you love me to much to*kiss*

anyway im off to find SOMETHING to do...call me sumtime if ya wanna hangout..

</3 ihasnofriends (ill go with that name for a good while)

wow..im so shocked. i was sooo happy last nite and half of today...and now eh, i feel like crap.

there was so much i wanna do but i know none of it will happen. i just ahh, i thought summer was suppose to be funn and your suppose to go places and have fun with friends and get drunk and just hangout at a different friends house everynite just eatin pizza and watchin movies and playing games and making up stupid games with each other and blow up condoms and just so much. i mean, this summer pretty much sucks...ok well a handful of great moments have happened :-* and i miss em so much because i dont have a fricken social life rite now and it bites.

List Of Good Things That Happened This Summer '05:
1 - becoming a better friend with brandon..he is one of my best
2 - breaking up with cory..that hurt at first and now..i just wanna move on and take future relationships with care so i dont get hurt again (sounds kinda selfish but its true)
3 - keeping intouch with a few friends
4 - working on getting to know a few other people
5 - getting to see erika again! that was awesome i missed her
6 - going to georgia and bonding with timmy once again
7 - going to georgia and realizing who i care about and who cares about me : )
8 - uncle toot getting married (i love him so much no matter how much we goof on each other) and losening up a lil bit at the reception
9 - petey talking to me and dancin on me (not like nasty sexual $hit) haha petey i love you cous
10 - all my memories with friends
11 - my rents letting me drive :-D
12 - pap lettin me drink
13 - mom letting me get in the car with brandon (that was great!)

thats all i can think of that i liked i may have forgotten if you can think of any memories that were big lemme know..

i want a summer love and maybe more im not sure what i want..but i do want friends, and i want to go out with them, and i just want to have fun.

</3 ihasnofriends

ps - i still wish you would be my knight in shining armor..

wow, i felt wanted for a moment or two today when i started thinking about things...

*~one person wanted to spend the nite here...
*~two different people asked me to go fishing with them just me and one of them....
*~i was asked out by two people....
*~like three weeks ago someone was going to ask me out but he chickened out (he told someone and they told me b.c they wanted me to think about it b4 he asked)....
*~another person said i was hot and that they want and love me....
*~someone asked to touch my boob lol (ok yea that aint kool)....

and my friend (whom i call my counselor) pointed some very impotant things out to me...i cant wait to repay him. he is such a great friend.

signed...Kj -- i wish you would be my knight in shining armor but i will be ok with you as a knight with benifits * wink....kiss *

um, yeah, um i quit. i quit on trying to make friends, i quit on trying to get a nicee guy, i quit calling people except my mom or adam(he is like my counselor), i quit IMing people, i quit! i quit i quit i quit! im done trying.

if you really care about me and you want to be my friend, then you will call me. you will stop at my house just to see if i need a hugg, you will come and see me, you will invite me places, you will call me just to talk, if you care about me you will do something. i quit and i give up if you try to be friends with me then i will try back. but i give up. im tired of hurting. and if no one calls, or talks to me, or see's me, or anything that friends do then whatever, im just going to stop caring. because i just get hurt when i care for people who dont care for me.

look, plan and simple, if you try i will to. but until then, whatever ive got a job, and ive got...uh..yeah ive got a job. wow.

i really hate to say this but i wish i..i uh..nevermind, there are some people i dont want to know this because they will go back and tell him.

idk what else to say...im hurtin and no one understands. ive tried so many times i give up. Adam, im so sorry i have to tell you something..i um..i quit. im not going to try with friends anymore. please dont hate me. i just i quit i just keep getting hurt. i really dont wanna turn into one of those depressed people who are so depressed that...well you know, your the one that told me what they are like.

i will update more about what i have to say..i just wish soo much.

Kj..i wish i had a knight in shining armor..i would feel so much better and ya know, i really like you..why cant you see that? *please, i hope (and im pretty sure) your not thinking with the head that doesnt have a brain..do u get that?..the head down below..there.*

Happy Birthday Adam!

today, is adam's birthday! he is 17 years old! wow!

-Kj..

this entry is soft of important to me..

well the sun rises directy into my bedroom window everymorning which i kind of always liked..and im sitting here starting out my window which is rite behind my computer screen.

i see how beautiful the sun looks, how the clouds look prefect, the sky is that awesome color babii blue, and all im doing is sitting here..thinking about you. this song im listening to and thinking about you made me day-dream about us..yes there was an us in my mind, are you surprised? i can just imagine us after graduating, living in a house together waking up everymoring to this beautiful site. waking up in your arms laying there thinking about how happy i am with you and our life together. drinking coffee in the morning (even though i cant stand it..nvm u dont understand me) and you wrapping your arms around me as we look out into the open field full of rays from the sun. i cant stop thinking what could happen if we happened to get married..i mean i never thought this with anyone, i mean i thought about my ex proposing to me but that was all and it didnt feel as good as this.

i day-dream of us acctually together in our own house, with a lake somewhere near by, and a dog, and just seeing you every morning when i wake up. it was such a wonderful feeling and i hope that i have that real feeling someday, but one thing could make that feeling even better...if it was with you. (there is always a but in any situation haha) i know i sound phsyco but its just so beautiful outside at this time in the morning and i just want to share it with you, i want to be with you in your arms at this time of day. ya see, that means something because i was always a night person, theres just something about the dark that i have always loved, and that scary feeling of something being rite next to you or behinde you. i still love the nite, and i love the stars and since i have already experienced laying and staring at the stars and now that im seeing this beautiful morning i cant wait to see it with you..and i know you feel something and i just wish i knew what it was.

i would give anything to just have one morning and one night with you..at night just staring at the stars together adn waking up just like i said. i just want to know if this feeling is real or i just want to pretend it is.

yeah, now you probably think im gay and retarded because i wrote about stupid shit..idk i cant tell the person i want to all of that because i dont know how. and another reason i posted this is because only one person who reads all of my entries knows who that secret person is and i dont even know if that secret person knows its him..i think he has an idea though because im pretty sure he knows i havent moved on..

ok i've wrote so much that no one will read it..i just hope that secret person realizes its for him and that my friend understands me..i will talk to my friend about it later i guess :-(

</3 Kj..i really do think that um..eh nvm its too personal..

ps - you dont know what you do to me..

1. Pick a band and answer only using the band's song titles: avril lavigne

2. Hows your life: complicated

3. Describe how you feel about yourself: anything but ordinary

4. Your best piece of advice: freak out

5. Describe your last relationship: who knows

6. Describe your current crush: naked *wink*

7. Say something to someone you have a crush on: nobodys home :-(

8. Say something to an ex: fall to pieces

9. Say something to someone you hurt severly: dont tell me

10. Say something to someone who has helped you: how does it feel

11. How do you feel right now: forgotten / slipped away / losing grip

-`x* - or - *x`-

1. Pick a band and answer only using the band's song titles: simple plan

2. Hows your life: me against the world

3. Describe how you feel about yourself: god must hate me

4. Your best piece of advice: grow up

5. Describe your last relationship: you dont mean anything

6. Describe your current crush: perfect

7. Say something to someone you have a crush on: i'd do anything

8. Say something to an ex: shut up

9. Say something to someone you hurt severly: thank you

10. Say something to someone who has helped you: welcome to my life

11. How do you feel right now: crazy

-Kj..i miss you, what else can i say?

ps - i love my "hottie player babii pimp"

here is a site that shows some ghost stuff..idk im into all that "ghost non-sense" as some of you would say i like ghosts and i believe in them..

i have heard ppl calling my name, the same week i broke up with cory i swore i heard him call me..i ran outside to see why he was calling me and why he was at my house but no one was there is was kinda creepy. then not long ago i heard brandon say "nikki come here i need you"..it was weird but i mean, brandon is weird (and he says that so i will go near him then he will tickle me lol) and i thought he was outside my open window tryin to scare me i looked out no one was there i ran through the house and my parents looked at me like i was crazy. i asked if brandon came over but they said he didnt pull up the driveway. (then i was disappointed because he didnt come over lol)

and back in febuary i was sick for a week after gram'ma ida died (rip) that same week i was sick i called cory and when he said hello..nvm i dont wanna tell you all forget it.

anyway heres the site about the ghost but there are things you have to read and you have to read it fast because it goes fast at times..the video / movie thing is long too lol anyway here ya go..

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/ghosts.html

i think its kool because i believe in ghosts and all that stuff..hey sadie and kirstie remember that house? lol creepy were dorks

-Kj..i miss you is there anything more i can say?

ps - i love my hottie player babii pimp

i got this poem from fallingangel  and she got it from addictwed2pain so it orginally came from addictwed2pain..yeah thats rite lol.

My eyes are swollen
I cannot see,
I must be stupid
I must be bad,
What else could have made
My daddy so mad?
I wish I were better
I wish I weren't ugly,
Then maybe my mommy
Would still want to hug me.
I can't speak at all
I can't do a wrong
Or else I'm locked up
All the day long.
When I awake I'm all alone
The house is dark
My folks aren't home.
When my mommy does come
I'll try and be nice,
So maybe I'll get just
One whipping tonight.
Don't make a sound!
I just heard a car
My daddy is back
From Charlie's Bar.
I hear him curse
My name he calls
I press myself
Against the wall.
I try and hide
From his evil eyes
I'm so afraid now
I'm starting to cry.
He finds me weeping
He shouts ugly words,
He says its my fault
That he suffers at work.
He slaps me and hits me
And yells at me more,
I finally get free
And I run for the door.
He's already locked it
And I start to bawl,
He takes me and throws me
Against the hard wall.
I fall to the floor
With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues
With more bad words spoken.
"I'm sorry!",
But its now much too late
His face has been twisted
Into unimaginable hate.
The hurt and the pain
Again and again
Oh please God, have mercy!
Oh please let it end!
And he finally stops
And heads for the door,
While I lay there motionless
Sprawled on the floor.
My name is Sarah
And I am but three,
Tonight my daddy
Murdered me.

ya know, my babii cousin katrina is 3 years old, i couldnt see that happening to her. i couldnt see her feeling all of that, i couldnt see her being in that position at all..its made me cry to think that the little gurl in that poem was the same age as my babii cousin, i love her so much.

anyway, i will update again whenever i feel like it..

-Kj..i dont want someone almost perfect, i want you..your completely perfect...

ps - i love my hottie player babii pimp!

well i havent really updated about me in awhile so here it goes..

well, from thursday nite to saterday nite i could tell my mom and dad felt bad for me...seeing me there helpless with no one to talk to. my dad even said i could go out all weekend. my mom came in saterday morning and woke me up around 330-4pm and said "do you plan on waking up today?" i said "no. why the heck should i? its not like there is a good reasons too." she said "well, call *him* and tell him to *her plan* u can do whatever you'd like." since she owuldnt leave i had to tell her why i didnt want to call *him* i said "*he* is too busy for me now :'-( with his things he has to do.." so she left and i called anyway i mean there might b a chance. so i left a voice mail and got on the net to find out he went away with a friend..i was heartbroken i mean, if u heard what my mom was letting me do you would too! so i went to my little cousins house instead.

sunday my mom proposed the same offer as saterday and when i called i got his voice mail and decided to give up on that plan. i went to wal*mart and to aunt karens on sunday and then went to saltsburg with mom around 8 we had to pick up clothes. she said call him and go out..well i called and left a voice mail..i gave up hope again..

today i went swimming with tosh, kayla, maddie, and allen..i saw hot robbie the life guard he looks different but his smile is the same..3 skater dudes were there and they used my towels the @ssholes..maddie went off the rope swing and slipped into the shallow end and hurt his arms it was funny.

me and allen were looking for the egyptian rock and all the while i was standing on it..me allen and kayla swam to the other side and when we got back we had to run up the hill and go home that hurt my legs and back..but it was worth it..then tosh had to leave fast so me and allen slowly made our way out of the trail..

um, yeah, i still never got a return call from *him* it kinda hurts knowing things about him nad feeling like i was lied to..but idk if thats what you would call it

im starting to quit waiting on the ppl i want to be with and hanging out with ppl whom are just as important..and im having fun but i still feel left out..nvm forget that u dont understand.

i cant think of anything else to say..um i will undate tomorrow morning when zack calls..i have to sing him happy birthday and he wants me to sing early in the morning ha idk why...

-Kj..u dont have to be perfect, but you are and i love that about you..

ps - i think im just going to give up..its hard because i have tried but idk..*tears* i think its for the best and i cant wait to say what needs to be said..i give, i dont want to compete with them  anymore.

wow um im getting ready for bed..i woke up this morning and went swimming with tosh and her family at kiski outdoor pool it was great im gonna see if pap can let me swim everyday while he works since he works there..itll be great..i loved it. swimming is so much fun especially at nite i love it even more.

um, i f*ed up my leg by swimming dont ask me how it just hurts so bad..its killing me and on top or that there are cuts all over the side of my leg..well scratches not cuts they hurt so bad..i had an itch and touched one, omg talk about pain!...im kinda tired from all that swimming, talking to decker, and just being anxious and nervous has mentally and emotionally worn me out / emotionally drained..

im sick of feeling this way and decker said,

"decker: feelings wont be heard if they are kept inside"

he is rite ya know..and lately i have been telling people how i really feel..adam says its better you dont have secrets. he's rite then u have nothing to hide..there are past secrets that i would like to be kept but from now on im gonna try to be open and honest with everyone..i mean i am about most things but if i think bettie should stop acting slutty then im gonna tell her..thats what i mean, like if i think something about someone im gonna come out and tell them so that no shit starts like f*ing last year..my life was f*ing hell nad still f*ing is..nothing is f*ing rite or the way i want it to be..and i could think of a f*ing million and one things that could make my life better and my family happier and everything...

ok thats enoguh rambling for one nite i will update today before i go to the pool or maybe after...idk yet

-Kj..omg i think i give but i dont want to..im gonna try what decker said and if things dont get better then i give for now and when i know something, then i will try again..

ps - zack didnt call today because he went to the doctors with his mom to help watch the kids and got caught up in it but he said he was thinking about me all day and i thought that was sweet..

well, i have had a VERY interesting summer with the boys.

first - a guy with a gurl tried to kiss me because he thought he liked me..we decided to let it go and see what the future holds after his gurl..easy no one hurt.
second - i kissed another guy and had the greatest weekend ever..it was perfect.
third - i think i fell for the second guy..it scared me but idk..i loved it.
fourth - allen asked me to go fishing with him! that wouldve been fun but mom wouldnt go for it.
fifth - a guy got a gurl to ask me out for him..i said no because i dont really know him but we r still friends which is kool.
sixth - the fifth guy asked me to go fishing just us but idk.
seventh - i found out that someone else liked me and was talkign about me to his friend.
eighth - i met that someone^and his friend.
ninth - he likes me..for sure now.
tenth - later i find that his friend also likes me and says he is in love with me. i asked y and said that he doesnt even know me and he said it was love at first site so idk.

i should be happy rite? well im not, i mean, im grateful they all noticed me but there is this one guy that i want to notice me and its hard to have fun with anyone but him. idk, im afraid of hanging out with a guy and laughing and then find out later that this guy i like does like me and thinks no i waited to long because she is with him. well that wouldnt be true but i mean what if i miss out on a nicee guy and the guy i like doenst even notice me anymore? idk im so lost and confused and im just sick of it..

whats next? a proposal? eloping? idk, my summer love life cant get any weirder..if it does i will let you know..

-Kj

i want you to hold me "good night" and kiss me "good morning"

                                       - me. *i wrote that..i know its dumb..*

Bold the things that make you smile the most.

01. Falling in love.
02. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
03. A hot shower.
04. No lines at the supermarket.
05. A special glance.
06. Getting mail.
07. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
08. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
09. Lying in bed listening to the birds outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake.
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15. The beach.
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. A huge sale at your favorite store.
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke.
24. Friends.
25. Making other people laugh.
26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
27. Your first kiss with that special someone.
28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
29. Competing with your friend and beating your friend.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trips with friends.
34. Swinging on swings.
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies.
37. Having your friends send you home-made cookies.
38. Holding hands with someone you care about.
39. Running into an old friend.
40. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
41. Watching the sunrise/sunset.
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody misses you.
44. Getting a hug from someone that cares about you deeply.
45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

-Kj..have funn? i didnt..

ok well as you may know i have had a very odd summer with the boys..and if you red my last entry you would know what happened..here is my entry that explains all the weirdness...

http://ihasnofriends.mindsay.com/?date=2005-08-04  < weirdness entry lol

anyway...it goes on once again..from that site..to now --

elevnth - well, i hung out with a friend for a little while and he kissed me.

woah. on the way to somewhere my mom just comes out and says see more then one guy likes you..(i have this thing feeling like no one likes me..)..anyway, she said u got asked out 3 times and been invited places to do things with them. then we started talking about my friend and his bad relatioship with his gurl..i feel so bad :-\  yes, more then one guy asked me out but outta those three this is what wrong..

the first one - i barely know, i mean i dont know anything about him!

the second one - goes to blairsville. sure we talk alot and he always helps me but i have only met him once!

the third guy - goes to blairsville. friends with the second one! woah. totally unexpected. when he told me teh second one was sitting RITE NEXT TO HIM im like you guys are f*in with me then he took the guilt/pity trip which didnt work with me because i dont even know him. i talked to him for 3 minutes! he said he wants to date me because im hot and nice and "perfect" for him..and his friend likes me! i was like omfg i cant believe you! he kept telling me u will have more fun with me then him...

anyway, yeah, my summer with the boys is very interesting.

3 guys asked me out....2 kissed me....2 asked me to go fishing....idk i feel weird i mean, i get alot of attention from guys but idk its ALOT in like two months time haha

ok thats enough rambling for tonite im gonna go talk to andrew about shit..

-Kj..i luv ya but i cant wait forever..

your love and life predition here..check it out

http://www.crush007.com/love.cgi?id=1123353981tnp

i will update later tonite after i get home..which should be around 230-3am gimmie a ring if you want or need to talk to just say 'hey'..

-Kj..

my head is confused
my stomcahe is hurt
my nerves are getting to me
but my heart seems to know what it wants
and what it wants
it cant have..

                  -by me..i dont give a f*k if you dont like it..and if u dont stfu..

1.Your Full Name:
2. Age:
3. Fave Color:
4. Fave Movie:
5. Fave Song:
6. Fave Band:
7. Most Embarassing Moment:
8. Are you a virgin?

HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...
1. Are we friends?
2. Do you have a crush/attracted to me?
3. Would you kiss me?
4. ...with tongue?
5. Would you enjoy it?
6. Would you ever ask me out or go out with me if I ask you out?
7. Would you make a move on me in a movie theater?
8. Tell me one odd/intresting fact about you:
9. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?
10. Do you want to tell me something that you couldn't before?
11. If you heard a rumor about me, would you defend me?
12. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?
13. Do you think I'm a good person?
14. Would you let me sleep with you (in the same bed)?
15.Do you think I'm Hot?
16. Would you call me just because?
17. Would you ever listen to my problems even if they dont involve you?
18. If you could change anything about me, would you?
19.Would you have sex with me?
20.Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?
21. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

lemme know..-Kj

i f*in hate this..u dont f*in understand
last nite was f*in awesome with brandon..ill tell ya'll about it latta dont feel too happy rite now..

brandon f*in rocks, he kicks ass, and is the f*in shit!
he's just hot 'n sexy like that...he's drop dead sexy

ok well for now f*ers...no f*in love for ALL of you only a person or two..

-Kj

ok well this entry is about um brandon i guess haha..

brandon..you wouldnt really trade me rite? i mean, even if they did wanna trade..would you? u said you wouldnt so thanks..alot. u made me feel loved and cared for haha like woah.

well, brandon is totally awesome..i mean, i dont know what else to say haha.

 omg, i almost forgot! stewie f*in rocks!

he is my number one boi. and im not sry that some of you dont like it..i may not be brandons number one gurl but hes my number one guy and only he can change that ha. brandon is totally awesome i mean, idk he just is! there are no f*in words in this world that i can use to explain him haha i can try though so here it goes..

i have alot of fun with brandon, he just f*in rocks my socks!!
--arguing about HBK and Hulk Hogan was awesomely sweet..i was gonna take him in that ring and beat his ass but i didnt wanna embarass him..aint that rite brandon? yeah..
--he always showers before he comes to my house haha and my little brother thinks he stinks bullf*k...
--brandons favorite word as of the time being..bullf/ck haha
--he comes to my house and thinks he can just lay around then he remembers im there and i wont let him haha..pickin on him when hes tired is so much fun..but he is still f*in stronger then me even if he is half dead and tired as f*k haha
--my goal is to become strong enough to give mr. brandon a huge F-U!! i will i know i will some way, some how i will
--brandon also hates my jungle music but i love his country so brandon forgive me boi..i know u do haha

thats just alot of fun stuff i thought of as of now..brandon rocks and everyone loves him..what more is there to say? well i have ALOT more to say just nothing i can nor WANT to say to you pplz and some dumb-f*ks that i want their imaginations wander..haha hopefully it will eat away at them wondering what im hiding :-P

F*CK FEAR DRINK BEER!! -- thee one and only Stone Cold Steve Austin 3:16 b/tches -- as told by thee one and only hottie brandon

--Kj

ps - i will update about monday nite raw with brandon tomorrow before my doctors appointment because i dont feel good rite now..

ps - im brandons little CT f*in rite b/tches!!!
^^none of yaw'll can say that before me f*in b/tches:-P

i will update tonite when i get home..

juss wanted to let those of you who care that im still alive i just spent the past two days with my cousin natasha because none of you guys talked to me :'-(

um, alot is going on and i will update on that and what happened i guess..

and um, oh yeah, i have something you all should know..i may be losing the internet..meaning, aim, mindsay, e-mail, xanga, myspace, and all those other internet journals that i dont use...so if u wanna keep in touch with me lemme know i will give u my number or something or maybe i will keep internet and use e-mailing idk yet mom hasnt decided yet but yeah idk..

like u care..i mean, i know you dont and now your thinking ytf r u telling me and ytf am i reading this? so i will end it now..

i shouldnt have sent that chain letter...

sry to all i sent it to i was just in a good mood that day, felt like sending somehting fun and something that wouls take my boring time up..i shouldnt have sent it i would b better off with the consiqences of dieing then sending some stupid shit out that is a joke..

When you do something

Right nobody remembers

But when you do something

Wrong nobody forgets

well idk what to write. i dont wanna talk about what happened today :-\ but i do want to say in my and MOSTLY DEEJ'S defense, nothing f*kin happened. idfc what she says or thinks about me she can f*kin hate me all she wants but she cant hate him..he did nothing. (( well neither did i but whatever )) she isnt even worth my time to argue with her i just wish she would f*kin get over it and believe him. she even f*kin told me TO MY FACE that she believed that i wouldnt cheat on her with him..ah god!

ya know, i cant believe she did what she did too..shes so f*kin lucky she didnt say, "what gotta have fred tell me?" because she did the same f*kin thing..ahh i cant stand her rite now! this is f*kin p/ssin me off!

i might update later..maybe a survey thing idk. i started keeping a journal or my own...a paper journal to put personal shit about guys and feelings and all that mushy shit you ppl would mak fun of me for...so im probably gonna go write in it.

that dreams killed me emotionally. emotionally im f*ked up rite now becaue..it felt soo real :'-(

idk -- Kj

..i can not wait until f.o.r.e.v.e.r, im not Cinderella or Snow White, i cant wait for my Prince Charming...maybe i can wait for you?? i will wait only a little longer..then *poof* like Cinderellas m.a.g.i.c..im gone at m.i.d.n.i.g.h.t..

i would like to thank nicole palewhispers for the header picture..i like it alot and it applys to me haha so yeah i love it..and best part i got to keep stewie!

</3Kj

ps - i know im a lil late on the thanks but hey, better late then never.

i wanna know, where do i stand with you? are we friends? enemys? what? what are we? lemme know please and thank you..

nothing f*kin happened today except i found alot of shit out..im so f*kin p/ssed off! i just found somehting out!

im talking about ppl near me that can come see me not you ppl who i havent met that lives waay away from me so shush..

omfg! i want to leave this f*kin place so bad..omg i wish dad wouldve taken that job in New Jersey with Uncle Doug OMG!!! i am ahh..i want to f*kin move! i cant stand this place! i dont have any real f*kin friends anymore! and dont you DARE reply to me saying im your friend! because i swear i will hunt u down and knock your f*kin lights out!

my best of 8 yrs and i are trying to work it out AGAIN idk..me and her boyfriend (well now ex) he wont talk to me much because of reasons..my best friend i...eh nevermind :'-(  it wouldnt matter who knows :'-(  if you were my friend you would call and ask me how im doing and how you could help. or you would buy me an icee cream cone or CAKE because i love cake. or u would just take 5 minutes of your time to e-mail me or call or IM me.

:'-(  --Kj

why do i try so hard? i mean, nothing is gonna change..egh. i dont like this anymore, i wish there was a way to fix it but the doctors and scientists havent come up with a solution yet..i hope there is a YET.

i havent updated lately because idk what to say..ive been thinking about alot lately and im so confused and hurt and just about anything but happy. the only time im happy is like, when i am around 3-4 certain ppl..i hate it.

blah, life is gross and its just a game that no one wins in the end..we all die. some die worst then others and everyone says, "thats the way life is." or "thats the way life goes."

um, i will definatly update when i come home from the mall and let you know if anything happened..hey, maybe i will get lucky and see a friend and hang out with them..who knows what the day will bring..hopefully something good and happy..i need to feel happy...i like it.

i talked to farron tonite at the pool, he is leaving for the marines on sunday..thats sad because i barely got to know the guy..but what i do know of him, he was a great guy and alot of ppl are gonna miss him.

i have to go back to the doctors for like the hundreth time this summer..blah. there is something wrong with my leg its killin me. mom said the doctors called about my blackouts and dizziness, the bloodwork came back fine, if it keeps happening i gotta get x-rays and MRI's and a bunch of other scarey stuff. i hate goin by myself.

um, i think thats about it..well, my day was simple..pool, hugs, getting wet, home internet w/andrew and sami, stays up all nite, gotta get up at 10-1030 for a shower then shopping.

Kj..idk anymore, my body is tired, and my knees are weak, my head says to stop but my heart always skips a beat..but only around you. your rite, you have that gift..remember? :'-(

ps - There is nothing i want more, then to feel like you really care about me..even if your not my "boyfriend." You dont need that title to care for me.

yeah so what! i miss being his little girl! we both do :'-(
and i f*kin know he misses us too, dont you tell me :'-(

i woke up about an hour ago lol. i set my alarm clock for 10 i either set it for 10PM (like i usually do lol) or i didnt turn it on lol. im so f*kin stupid. well, since i couldnt fall asleep until 7 in the am i woke up about an hour..hour and a half ago. i got a shower and now im looking for something to do..

ill end it with a cool quote that like everybody knows but it still like it lol..

"i carved your name into this bullet so everyone knows you were the last thing going through my head"♥

-Kj

well, it turns out mom decided to take us to get some skool clothes and what not after dad got home from work. we went up to indiana and i got 4 pair of nicee jeans. they rock because they are tight like i like em, they arent slut tight but like not falling of my body haha.

i asked mom if i could get a new belly ring like the one my gram'ma ida gave me. (gram got me a ring, she passed, it broke, i tried to fix it, it didnt work, i cried..) so mom said do u have money? i said no. well, anyway, jake and i went into spencers anyhow to have fun and of course i went straight for the belly rings and i found 30 bucks in my purse because i saw to hot dangly rings-had to have them! and i got them..they are both dangly electric guitars, one is red and one is silver...they are awesome and i cant wait to show sam because she always wants me to get a new dangly one. i also got 2 kool pins for my purse, one says "fear me" and the other says "hart and huntington tattoo company"

um well, i guess that my day was fairly good. i guess i will update tomorrow morning about something.

leave me some replys..Kj

ok well, since he stole it from somebody im stealing it from him ;-)
i took this survey fromdudezilla000

10 Bands You've Been Listening To Lately:
10. cky
9. bowling for soup
8. system of a down
7. foo fighters
6. tim mcgraw
5. dierks bentlety
4. kenny chesney
3. sympathetic vibrations
2. disturbed
1. simple plan

9 Things You're Looking Forward To:
9. getting married
8. drving..legally :-D
7. going to college
6. moving out
5. going to this thing coming up very soon..i mean, if im still going..idk
4. growing old outside in rocking chairs with brandon haha
3. learning how to play electric guitar
2. kids? for now idk yet..
1. waking up next to the one i love

8 Things You Like To Wear:
8. coats/hoodies
7. deodorent/perfume/good smelly stuff lol
6. my *brandons :-)* NC hat
5. braclet/hair ties
4. eye liner
3. jeans
2. my chucks
1. my bikini

7 Things That Annoy You:
7. commercials rite when the movie on tv is getting good lol
6. when theres no good movies to watch
5. not being able to legally drive
4. not being able to see who i want wen i want
3. wen ppl talk 2 me wen they NO i dont like them
2. little kids
1. being bored

6 Things You Touch Everyday:
6. my brush
5. my radio/cd's
4. key borad
3. cell fone
2. my jeans
1. my hair

5 Things You Do Everyday:
5. get on aim
4. call or text on my fone
3. write
2. sleep lol
1. shower lol

4 People You Want To Spend More Time With:
4. tosh
3. andrew
2. deej
1. brandon

3 Movies You Could Watch Over and Over:
3. blue collar comedy tour
2. mean girls
1. grind

2 Of Your Favorite Songs At The Moment:
2. "my last name" by dierks bentley
1. "almost" by bowling for soup

1 Person You Would Spend The Rest Of Your Life With:
1. :-(

ok well, tonite i will make a real entry if i feel ok..i think im getting sick...YES! and as long as i dont forget..

um, yeah, leave me a comment just to say 'hey'...Kj

which is better..
 Spiderman or
Gambit ?

 i will take all votes until saterday at 11:05 in the pm..thank you for taking the time to vote..if you vote lol.

 -Kj

gambit - 5
spiderman - 1

all who didnt vote you suck :'-(...spiderman COULD HAVE WON!!

ill update later when i think of something to say..

i got this fromsophrulz 

In the last 24 Hours have you...
1. Had sex: no
2. Bought something: no
3. Gotten sick: i dont feel well..
4. Sang: yes
5. Been kissed: no :'-(
6. Ate something: idk if u could call it food though lol
7. Felt stupid: yeah!!
8. Talked to an ex: lmao! no
9. Missed someone: yes!!
10. Hugged someone: tracey my cousin

farron leaves today :-( i didnt know him all that well and i wish i couldve got to know him more..

good luck to ya farron..lots of ppl here are gonna miss ya

</3 - Kj

</3 - ive got another confession to make..im your fool

ps - my new tag for every entry (( if i have tags and its a happy entry is "whats in your wallet" ))

i have an xanga..here da site -- http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=electricguitarprincess

i will update in a little while with something..be patient with me ok? im starting this week off badly..

</3Kj

ps - im sry, and im hurt.

sophrulz and tasteofyoursin had this entry and i gave them my name and they replyed and so i dedicate this to them :-D

1. Reply with your name, and I shall write something random and maybe a tad witty about you.
2. I will then tell you what song/movie reminds me of you. Or you remind me of. Or possibly both because im cool like that.
3. I will pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in. Or maybe pudding if I'm feeling particularly adventurous.
4. I will say something that only makes sense to you and me. Or at least I'll attempt to.
5. I will tell you my first memory of you. Or.... the earliest I can remember. Or just some super memorable moment. Or possibly both because im cool like that.
6. I will tell you what plant or animal you remind me of. Because, after all, plants are alive, too. Just easier to catch.
7. I will then ask something I've always wondered about you.
8. Put this in your Mindsay...please?

United States Marine Corps -- Josh and Farron..good luck in boot camp everyone misses you two dearly..i wish i couldve gotten to know you better before you left..

United States Air Force -- Deej and Brandon..i know you two cant wait to get in there..

Keith, i love you cuz and im sry you dont get to be there with em in the United States Army

you all are crazy for wanting to leave but i love ya all..

with much love...<3Kj

i blogg-napped this from Aznstryk 

ALL ABOUT ME:
Your name: Kj
Are you Single or taken: single
Sex: chick
Your birthday: 10/9/90
How many siblings: 2
Your hair color: NATURAL blonde im not a bottled-blonde bitch
Your eye color: dark blue
Your height: 5'4
Your nicknames: boo, Kj, snickers, princess, blonde buddy, new, nick, nikki (any spelling except nicci)
Got a boyfriend/girlfriend?: didnt i answer this? no

Got a crush?: yea
If so who?: im not saying becuase ppl who know this person will b reading it
Love/lust/like?: like it matters..

Where is your favorite place to shop: i really dont shop..anywhere with kute belly rings
Any tattoos or piercings: 3 tattos in the future..piercings - belly, top rite ear, bottom left (bottom rite ripped)
Do you do drugs?: no
What kind of shampoo do you use?: herbal essance
What are you most scared of?: im not saying its stupid
What are you listening to right now?: my mothers voice in my head through my tears
Who is the last person that called you?: nick
Where do you want to get married?: i cant say..b.c u wouldnt believe my reasoning 4 it
How many buddies are online right now?: out of 205..22 are on but all away/cells
What would you change about yourself?: everything

Favorite color: blue green and orange
Favorite food: pizza?
Favorite boys names: chris and brandon
Favorite girls names: samara and jessica
Favorite subjects in school: math and computers
Favorite animals: big/wild cats and dogs

Have you ever given anyone a bath: yeah
Have you ever smoked?: no
Have you ever bungee jumped?: not yet
Have you ever made yourself throw up?: yea
Have you ever skinny dipped?: im waiting to ask him..
Have you ever ever been in love?: what is love? isnt it what we make of it?
Have you ever made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: yea
Have you ever pictured your crush naked?: yea!!
Have you ever actually seen your crush naked?: i f*kin wish
Have you ever cried when someone died?: yea!
Have you ever lied: yea
Have you ever fallen for your best friend?: idk i dont think i ever really had a best friend :'-(
Have you ever rejected someone?: yea
Have you ever used someone?: no
Current clothes: twinkie pj pants and a black beater

Current make-up: none im getting ready for bed
Current smell: red zone deodorent with kiwi hair wash
Current desktop picture: cky in green tiled
Current book you're reading: the boyfriend list (2nd time)
Current CD'(s) in player: eminem "encore" and cky "i-d-r"

Last person you touched: nathenial i grabbed his arm
Last person hugged: haha loong time..i think brandon surprisingly
Last person you imed: zac
Last person you yelled at: jake
Last person you kissed: i cant say..

Are you understanding: most of the time 9 outta 10 times
Are you open minded: when im not confused or hurt i guess so
Are you arrogant: idk what that is
Are you insecure: yea
Are you Random: sometimes
Are you hungry: no
Are you healthy: probably not
Are you difficult: yea sometimes
Are you attractive: i dont think i am..plenty others have yelled at me that i am though so idk ask ppl in my network
Are you bored easily: yea!!
Are you responsible: for the most part
Are you obsessed: sometimes..depends on what
Are you angry: yea
Are you sad: yea!!
Are you happy: no!!
Are you hyper: no
Are you trusting: not really..its hard anymore

Who do you wanna kill: myself
Who do you wanna slap: myself
Who do you wanna get really wasted with?: brandon
Who do you wanna get high with: brandon (even though he doesnt do that)
Who do you wanna talk to offline: deej, zac, adam and andrew
Who do you wanna talk to online: zac?

In the morning i am: confused
Are you wonderful: idk ask my network
I dream about: ppl
sexual preference: straight
What do you notice first in the sex you're into: eyes and personality
Coke or Pepsi: neither but if i have to choose..pepsi
Flowers or candy: idc gawd
Tall or short: i think im tall i wish i were short
Do you ever sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to im you?: no
Do you ever save conversations: yea
Do you ever wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: yea
Do you ever wish you were younger: no!!
Have you ever cried because someone said something to you?: yea im a f*kin loser
Number of times I have had my heart broken: multiple times
Number of hearts I have broken: none..MAYBE  1
Number of CD's I own: damnit i forget..look in pervious surveys
Number of people on my buddy list: u already know...205
What do you wanna be when you grow up?: i wanna b happily married -- job? um, shrink or lawyer

Out of your closest friends who is the craziest?: fred
Out of your closest friends who is the happiest?: deej?
Out of your closest friends who is the freakiest?: adam haha luv ya boi
Out of your closest friends who is the prettiest?: andrea
Out of your closest friends who is the most likely to get plastic surgery and where?: wow, i dont think any
Out of your closest friends who eats the most?: deej? brandon? idk..use to be me and sadie together lol
Out of your closest friends who kicks more ass?: brandon
Out of your closest friends who is the closest to being an alcholic?: well brandon is the only one that drinks
Out of your closest friends who is the one who always get into trouble yet always goes out?: brandon comes very close?
Out of your closest friends who is the one with the coolest parents?: me
Out of your closest friends who is more romantic??: idk..we all dont really show it..me? haha probably not

ok well here is a quick entry to say..

i dont feel well..at all. my head is sore, my is killing me again!, i think i may be getting sick, and im sooo cold!! eh, i feel like crap. i and i know what i need...i need kisses :-) and hugs! haha *sniffle* ill update when no one is talking on aim to me..

-Kj

he broke up with her!! woo hoo!! im soo happy!! tonite is my nite!! i bet you i know why he did it..idc why but he did it!! woo hoo!! im so freakin happy!! ok maybe not freakin happy, but it brightened my nite a lil and lifted a bit off my mind!!

woo hoo happy birthday me!!

i stole this from sirach 

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. Describe me in one word.
8. What was your first impression?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When's the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
15. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

-Kj

ok well here is a poem, i would like to know what you think about it..even if u think its bad please tell me..if u think its good please tell me..here it is..

what do u think? lemme know please please please i appreciate constructive critasisum...

thanks bunches..Kj

well as some of you may already know, i wrote a poem called, "so much pain." if u havent read it go to here >> http://ihasnofriends.mindsay.com/?date=2005-08-25 the top entry has it in black...

*First Paragraph Covers It The Rest If You Dont Wanna Read It All*

well..i have awesome kick-ass news about it. i entered it into a poetry contest and i won. haha yeah, me n.g. writing? "whats up with that?" is what ur thinkin, but i did it, i won. im going to be published in a book i get my own page haha and i get a second whole page to myself if i write what its about. i think im going to take that second page just because i would like someone to know what its about. only about 5 people know that it won a contest and only..2 people know what its about.

Deej was the first to know about it..he said he was proud of me and its talent but i think it was luck haha. And of course, mom dad pap cousins aunts all very proud, zachary was like congrats nikki on ur poem (weird lol). mom is calling gram'ma emmy tomorrow..she is gonna wanna talk and i dont wanna talk to her ((i love her juss dont like talking too much she talks my ear off ya know?)) Anyway, we are gonna buy the book i cant wait to see it im like so proud because i thought my poem was stupid...i tricked my friend andrew into thinking it was by some perfesional..he IMs me and asks me to send him poetry so i said here is one by so and so from the internet and i slipped "so much pain" in there and he goes thats really good..i go thx hes like u wrote that?! im like yeah so i wanted him to b the first to know about my winning but i couldnt get ahold of him and deej wanted to know why i was happy today and i couldnt hold it in anymore haha.

But i think out of my family, it meant the most to me that my uncle toot liked it. i love him so much and i never see him :'-( i juss wish he knew how much i love him but i dont know how to tell him. today i saw him for the first time in what seemed like forever and babi kat wouldnt hug me so he was bein a goof and said ill give u a hug Red ((he has called me that ever since i came home from the hospitol 15 years ago)) so he gave me a huge hug and picked me up off the ground and kissed all over my face..ick haha, but i couldnt help but love it, i miss and love him so much and its f*kin killin me.

Anyway, i dont wanna sound braggy i mean, i am super proud though i never thought anyone liked my poetry..i think mom wanted to close-line me because i never told her ((or anyone for that fact)) that i write a little bit..she asked why the f*k not?! im like it sucks she goes look! obviously it doesnt!! she waved that stupid envolpe at me, i could sue her, she opened MY MAIL while i was alseep and red it she came into my room screaming omg look! gosh the loudness i felt like i had a hangover with her screaming...

anyway, thats my good news, thanks for reading..i will update tomorrow nite if i get a reply or two..thanks to all who gave their honest opinion on it..i really appreciated it.

x3..Kj.
i miss you,
miss you..

well thanks to all who gave me congrats on my poem i really appreciate it. you dont know how much your support and "yays!" helps. im kinda goin through a ruff time rite now and i really needed that :-) u guys are awesome i love you all so much. but now its time for that all to blow over and everyone to forget about it.

Rest In Peace..
*-gram'ma ida - god do i miss you.
*-reggie - my old dog.

ill update tomorrow nite after supermans house..or after the drive-ins if we still go. im so fed up with this shit, im so tired of dealing with it too.

-Kj..idc anymore.

*_My List Of Regrets_*
....
#1 gazillion - letting my feelings out for everyone to poke at.
#1 gazillion and 1 - not listening to my heart
#1 gazillion and 2 - entering that poetry contest.

in the words of kilroy, fuggit..i give, onto xanga.

<///////3_Kj

i will update after i get off the fone..

im on the fone with mark and we are both very bored.
fred loves me! lol idk if he loves me but i love him!! lol jk
i got a picture of guter! woo hoo!
i love and miss decker so much..we r gona grow old together in rocking chairs
laken is not for nick!
deej threw an empty water bottle at me! and stuck tha green mouse in his pants!
brandon lost his voice! and he doesnt know how lol
jess told on sadie about kevin!
ryan told me to shut up so i wanted to smush his dip lol
i am waiting to park with devin lol jk inside thing
i was gona go smoke with shane but my mom was there lol jk
i can still love andrew even though my luck helped him! woo hoo

um, idk what else to say lol update later..

well today was ok i guess..sry i havent updated..

i went to the movies..without deej :-(  dad said no because he may have to go to his aunts to work tomorrow but oh well, i should b gettin him this weekend and probably tomorrow nite to come over and play. anyway, i went and saw the dukes of hazzard..again with mom and the bros i loved it haha i wana see it AGAIN. came home at 1030 and i thought adam was at aunt pams so i made mom stop but he wasnt so he is coming to my house tomorrow nite and we all are gonna play release the belgum. we only played once this summer and the only older kids there were was me and tosh and luke..that sucked so i text deej all nite lol.

um, cant wait til tomorrow i gotta clean..bleh, maybe i can get mom to clean tuesday and let me finish up skool clothes shopping tomorrow or maybe i can get mom to have deej take me up with the credit card, i only need a few pairs of jeans and a jacket or two..not much juss a lil bit more because im getting rid of alot.

um, nothing to write about i have to go e-mail family about my poem still i forgot to tell em haha

e-mailin...Kj

ps - i juss got ANOTHER pair of guy shorts from jake, thank god he is bigger then me..i get clothes when he cleans out lol
whats funy is, im the smallest/lightest in weight in my family lol thats hilarious.

last nite was soo awesome. deej text me yesterday afternoon and asked if i wanted him to come over...aduh i did! haha, but instead i went over there, we hung out down stairs til dad got home then we went upstairs and played a computer game deej beat me the first round second round i won. then we watched troy that was kool but then towards the end we had to eat dinner, i told deej i wasnt hungry (and i really wasnt there was alot on my mind and when that happens i dont have an appite) but deej got to the stairs ran in and said u know dad is gonna yell if you dont eat. so i ran down and he made me eat spegetti haha, during dinner mr dollman yelled at me and said dont pick at your food eat it! im like i am im cutting it then twirling it onto my fork and i couldnt help but laugh lol. so i ate it and sat there for a minute or two then me said arent u gonna have a salad? i go no thats what i usually always eat im good he goes come on! so deej gave me a piece of his lettus out of his bowl lol then deej got up and left i sat there for a lil while and said mr dollman, may i be excused from the table? (i didnt know if they did that at their house so i was polite) he said oh, rite this down! we have a polite one on our hands haha he asked if i said that at home i started laughing i go no i juss leave but i didnt want to be rude here..idk it was pretty funy and it made me laugh..

so we went outside and played bball then went upstairs to watch bill cosby stand up. then mom called and asked if deej wanted to stay over and play ''release the belgum'' and mr dollman said he will think about it so mom came we ran downstairs so mr and mrs dollman talked and he had to b home by 11 so we left and found out adam wasnt playing the game so we didnt play at all.

me and deej went in and hid in my room from jake lol he found us we watched troy again because we didnt see the end but he got bored so we put in van helsing..just about the ending deej started to fall asleep and i couldnt keep him up anymore so i took it out and he started to sleep on my floor but i kept talking to him lol then mom and jake came back and he was wide awake..then mom and deej started wrestling in my room..deej cut a hu-mungo deep cut in his knee and got blood on my big cloud comforter and my pull out bed lol but its ok it will remind me of him when he leaves for air force :'-( anyway, we got a band-aid on him and he was ok but it never stopped bleeding the whole time he was here so i played nurse nikki and helped him with it.

then jake said im gonna give u the F-U i said u cant pick me up and he did, he gave me the F-U after we ate it was awesome we pulled out the mattress into the living room and were doing wreslting moves on each other while mom and deej watched..i asked mom or deej to stand up for one move so they could grab my head/shoulders so that i wouldnt land on my neck but they wouldnt haha so me and jake were extra careful :-P then deej did some move on me he picked me up and then threw me down then the wussy sat down lol.

deej pulled him shirt up and tied it weird so i grabbed his tit and he screamed lol he said ill get u when u get out of the shower..all he did was tickle me lol. then we listened to music, watched tv, layed down in the boys room, i went out to the living room to think and zack came out and jake was in the his bed i guess loland deej was asleep so we went to sleep..i woke deej up at 10 in the am i fixed him up with a band-aid and gause then we took him home. he couldnt wait to show kate his new cut haha he thought he saw the bone but it was the muscle it was gross lol. then tonite he got on aim and told me his dad made him go to the hospitol to get stitches, well butterflies two of them and he said they hurt real bad im like i wouldve cried for days after that lol

well thats it, i hung out with deej all day yesterday..yay..and all nite..yay..then i came home and watched tv because i didnt feel good..i still dont but whatever i think its my nerves/stress because of skool..

i will write after skool liek everyone else on mindsay did about their first day..

-Kj

well i found out that mr. gardner (my awesome homeroom teacher) isnt who i thought he was lol anyway he f*ckin rocks i luv him already..

well of course since i have nothing better to rite about i shall write my schdule and then a whole nother entry about funy stuff that happened :-P

1 - *rotation* mrs lind - FACS II (9)
2 - mr judge - english 9
3 - mr dollman - study hall
4 - mr dollman - us history 9
5 - mrs shimer - geometry 9
6 - senorita highberger - spanish I
7 - mr delvecchio - tech design I
8 - mrs droste - general science 9

sorry i havent updated. since skool started i have alot more on my mind and im busy with trying to be happy and trying to work my life out the way it should.

bleh, im going to fail geometry i know it, i had one lil homework assignment and i was totally confused already. deej said he would help because he is good at math and he likes it. i love math too..when i get whats going on. anyway, i will probably seek out deejs help this year sometime..bleh, that will feel weird, deej toutering me..haha kool. i made a joke to..someone (i 4get) and im like yeah he is going to b my teacher he is good at teaching *wink wink* lol im like just kidding lol. but yeah..

um, idk i will update later..

any plans for this weekend? lemme know, if your important enough you know the number..

-Kj...bleh

idk what time i will b updating..im going to the fair..
then coming home..
going to adams..
going BACK to the fair for the truck pulls..
then probably back to adams if mom is kool with it and they r still havin it haha

perry and I's stomache hurt..weird lol. his hurts from getting sick, mine hurts from beer..and not getting sick i guess? lol...

as some may know, im having a house warming party for my pap...family and friends are here not many though and my pap and mom were wrestling a lil and pap was trying to scare her from behinde but good ole me said watch out behinde you and saved her :-D anyway, mom was like thank you babi (she was bein weird lol) so i go, for my reward of saving u i deserve to have a beer rite? she goes idc if u have one so pap gave me one he jsut opened and handed it to me i took a drink and he said take a mouthful! when really i did lol honest...then i took another and he was makin fun of me so i ran to him and was about to pour it on him (i know i know im sry a waste of beer!! but i didnt) he said ur sucha tough women drink it i go i am...

so he decided he was gonna beat me, (on top of that he had less in his bottle) so we chugged it and i had a hair more then him he said again, so i beat him but alot lol (old people...psht) then i beat him even more! he said come on finish it! so we did it again and i was gettin sick because i had a full stomache of food and trying to down a bottle of coors light on top of it! so i did it one more time nad i beat him a good bit but had one and a half more beer to chugg but i was seriously not feelin it because one - thats NOT my favorite beer that it one of my least favorites and two - my stomache couldnt take much more so i quit and pap finished his i let out a huuuge burp and was mad because deej wasnt here to hear my burp.

i ran into my paps appartment and asked him to finish the last chugg and a half off because i couldnt, he finished it and i went to my room to let my stomache settle. i feel better now that i drank tea and ate something. i think i had like 12 good burps off that beer it was awesome.

mom was sayin she shouldve had me drink 3 beers...through a straw ;-) i think i wanna just so i go to bed early lol. idk, if mom lets me i will probably have another one here in a mintue..but i am definatly gonna out chug my pap tonite but first i gotta make sure my stomache isnt full of food lol then i will beat him because if i wouldve kept going tha first time i wouldve won.

anyway, im going back outside i will update tonite if mom doesnt get me smashed (i doubt she will let me but idk because i dont have skool tomorrow!!) if she doesnt i will bbl when adam goes home (if he comes over in the first place)..or maybe i will just crash in paps appartment liek mom said if i get smashed eh, idk i will let you all know what happens after it happens.

my stomache is better and aint full so on to Round 2 if mom lets me and paps up to it..

-Kj...i aint drunk and i havent ever been completely drunk yet, but tonite, that'll change ;-)

well i woke up to the sound of people yelling from my paps appartment and so i got a shower got dressed and ready and mom came in sayin uncle tim was waitin for me lol. so i ran over and she was there >:-( err makeme mad! so i sat in paps chair and she was on the floor i was not happy at all. so then her and pap were eww eh gag me! then pap said i need money for tomorrow and i cant be spending it on ur tickets tim i yelled where r u going that u need money?! so SHE answers to the picnic/fair would u like to come with US? ((omg!)) i gave her a dirty look and said no then i sat there glaring at her and mom came in she said im going to saltsburg anyone need anything? i said no but im coming!! so we left errr this lady just doesnt know when to leave. then i look outside to see her and jake playing "cat" err so that was over and i said jake lets play..of course he said can she play? and i had to say yes so we played. then f*cking jake quit on me! so it was me and her and we kept up with each other so i blew some shots and i said u won i missed she said play again? im like no!...so then i think i went in the house and then went on without a word to her.

then as you know the next highlight of my day was chugging a beer with pap..of course i beat him..which was kinda a shock but felt good..read my last entry to hear about it in detail lol.

well, after i blogged we played volleyball girls vs guys what else is new? lol but it was different this year because none of my guy friends was on the other side of the net makin fun of me lol. anyway, i played to games then jon came over with his family then i was "sick" so i came inside and got on aim. then jon came in looking for me so me and jon went for a walk with my pop-corn i got from the fair and went for a long walk in the dark. we joked about a bear coming out and then we came home played on skate-boards then got on aim. we called zac and had him get on and talked..i called kevin and we talked for a long time that was kool then we downloaded a redvs.blue thing and laughed for hours over it..then he got me a new music downloading site then i got tired so i layed down and watched tv with jon til 2-3 when he left then i went to bed.

ill update later..maybe tomorrow b4 skool? lol....<///3 Kj

hmm well..sry i havent updated alot has been goin on i guess?recap since tha 5th..(last monday)

monday ~ thursday - nuttin..juss skool

friday - pep rally..our principal is offically pyshco/retarded lol
^^gotta love the shophmores lol 5 ppl screamed!! lol
thought i was gonna get into a fist-fight..but she said no b/c we were on skool grounds..if u wanna know i will tell you but its not like you will believe me b/c im the bitch that steals guys so yeah..wtf ever idc if u wanna know ask..

saterday - hung out with erika all day..that was fun..we danced most of the day
^^zack had his b-day..not kool i hate my pap and his "lady friend" :'-(.....i wish "HE" was here..i know i shouldnt think that but i do :'-(

sunday - me and erika rode quads for 2 hours with josh..fun fun
^^we danced some more ha..then watched tv and did music shit til she left

most of the time..i was thinking alot..i feel so confused and hurt at the same time and im sayin shit i usually wouldnt say..special thanks to all who was there to talk to me on friday..biiiig thanks to josh baker, he held me even when his girlfriend was standing rite there..god i love him (plutonically)

<//3kj
________________________________________________________________

heres some lyrics..you dont gotta read em..

Violent Pornography..*by.system.of.a.down
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin' now
Everybody, everybody, everybody fucks

Everybody, everybody, everybody livin' now
Everybody, everybody, everybody sucks

Everybody, everybody, everybody livin' now
Everybody, everybody, everybody cries

Everybody, everybody, everybody livin' now
Everybody, everybody dies

It's a non-stop disco
Bet you it's Nabisco
Betcha didn't know

It's a non-stop disco
Bet you it's Nabisco
Betcha didn't know

It's a non-stop disco
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know

It's a non-stop disco
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know

Everybody, everybody, everybody livin' now
Everybody, everybody, everybody fucks

Everybody, everybody, everybody livin' now
Everybody, everybody, everybody sucks

Everybody, everybody, everybody livin' now
Everybody, everybody, everybody dies

Everybody, everybody, everybody livin' now
Everybody, everybody, everybody cries

It's a non-stop disco
Bet you it's Nabisco
Betcha didn't know

It's a non-stop disco
Bet you it's Nabisco
Betcha didn't know

It's a non-stop disco
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know

It's a non-stop disco
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know

It's a violent pornography
Choking chicks and sodomy
The kinda shit you get on your TV

It's a violent pornography
Choking chicks and sodomy
The kinda shit you get on your TV

Everybody, everybody, everybody livin' now
Everybody, everybody, everybody sucks

Everybody, everybody, everybody livin' now
Everybody, everybody, everybody fucks

Everybody, everybody, everybody livin' now
Everybody, everybody, everybody dies

Everybody, everybody, everybody livin' now
Everybody, everybody, everybody dies

It's a non-stop disco
Bet you it's Nabisco
Betcha didn't know

It's a non-stop disco
Bet you it's Nabisco
Betcha didn't know

It's a non-stop disco
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know

It's a non-stop disco
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know
Betcha didn't know

It's a violent pornography
Choking chicks and sodomy
The kinda shit you get on your TV

It's a violent pornography
Choking chicks and sodomy
The kinda shit that's on your TV

It's a violent pornography
Choking chicks and sodomy
The kinda shit that's on you TV

It's on the TV
Fuck
Turn off you TV

Can you say "brainwashing"?

It's a non-stop disco

<//3Kj

Your my crack and i want to get high tonite..*sexy face - kissy face*

God i wish u knew then again, what difference would it make? :-(

anyway, i have alot of stuff on my mind lately..im kinda sad, happy, upset, confused, feeling used, lost..err, no one f*cking tells me anything til last minute err!!

SOMEONE needs to pull the plug out of their ass before they talk to me again! you give me f*cking additude one more time im punching you in the face i swear to god im going to!

im sick of everyones shit and little by little a few people are pushing me over the edge..i swear, someone messes with me the rest of this week when im pist your getting punched..it may not hurt but it'll make me feel better..damn you all for pissin with me

i was thinkin about brandon today because he hugged me..i miss all those fun times i had with him :'-(  he is like so awesome and eh, never-f*cking-mind.

anyway, i was thinking about him today because i hugged him and how much he means to me :-) i hope he is happy..i dont see him too much anymore. thinking about brandon makes me think about my life now a days..one word..wow.

im leaving now f*ck you people im pist again eh, so much shit!! ahh! f*ck you bitches! *sry for language but im really upset rite now :'-(*

<//3 Kj

ps - im brandons lil CT f*cking rite bitches!!

im so dumb!! i fall for this everytime :'-(
god i hate myself sometimes. i get so happy and think things are good again and so i do the things i use to but then bad comes and shows me nothing has and im so scared nothing will ever :'-(
im crying alone in my room and you dont even care.
god!! err i hate myself so much!! im so stupid and i think i know why this is happening :'-(
im so dumb and stupid!! its all my fault :'-(

<//3 kj

Memories are not good. They cause me pain and misery.

oh god. either im obcessed, physco, or scared/paranoid. omg, i am happy one minute everything is great! like seriously, i was the happiest person alive at skool today (..not going into detail unless you ask and i wanna tell you..) then i went riding then i came home got a shower. err, bad idea, i started thinking about shit and omg i got so upset. i got on here a lil upset replyed to a friend they neva' replyed back but they replyed to those other people in their inbox
so i got really upset..i started checking out other blogs and a few minutes ago found a reply from them. they answered me and was concered about why i was so sad in my last entry..

oh my god whats wrong with me? im like f*cked up in the head..i was happy to see them care but eh, it made me sad too. idk, i just want to tell this person whats on my mind but i mean, nothing would change, they wouldnt like, eh, idk its hard. i dont like this at all..its times like this when i wish i were 9.

i dont like memories anymore, they remind me of what i dont have and what i miss..:'-(

ill update later i guess my hands and face are all wet so im out..

<3 boo
<//3 kj

ps - i wanna quit but something wont let me :'-(

well, he didnt come home AGAIN last nite :'-(
i dont know which person to talk to

read my last two entrys..yeah that pretty much sums it up..
tomorrow SHOULD be good..im praying that it turns up my way :-\

<//3 kj
<33 boo

well, things should be okay now..im not too sure on how well this will go.
i think things are going to be a little better..well they should.
this whole guy situation is woah. its so confusing and there is so much to think about.
like my god come on everyday something new happens and i dwell the f*ck outta it.

anyway, i think i made things better but i didnt get my point across..again :-\
oh well hopefully i can get it across sometime this week, maybe, just maybe it will help my situation.

god, he still doesnt know :'-(
this is so damn hard!!

<//3 kj

comment on me..you know you wanna make me happy

What Would You Do If..
1. I died from natural causes:
2. I kissed you:
3. I lived next door to you:
4. I started smoking:
5. I stole something:
6. I was hospitalized:
7. I ran away from home:
8. I got into a fight and you weren't there?:

What Do You Think Of My..
9. Personality:
10. Eyes:
11. Hair:
12. Laugh:
13. Family:

Would You..
14. Be my friend?:
15. Keep a secret if I told you one?:
16. Hold my hand?:
17. Take a bullet for me?:
18. Keep in touch?:
19. Try and solve my problems?:
20. Love me?:
21. Date me?:

Have You Ever..
22. Lied to make me feel better?:
23. Wanted to kiss me?:
24. Wanted to kill me?:
25. Broke my heart?:
26. Kept something important from me?:
27. Thought I was unbearably annoying?:
Random Stuff..
28. What reminds you of me?..
29. If you could give me anything what would it be?..
30. How well do you know me?..
31. When's the last time you saw me?..
32. Are you gonna put this on yours to see what I say about you?


HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...
1. Are we friends?
2. Do you have a crush/attracted to me?
3. Would you kiss me?
4. With tongue?
5. Would you enjoy it?
6. Would you ever ask me out or go out with me if I ask you out?
7. Would you make a move on me in a movie theater?
9. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?
10. Do you want to tell me something that you couldn't before?
11. If you heard a rumor about me, would you defend me?
12. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?
13. Do you think I'm a good person?
15.Do you think I'm Hot?
16. Would you mind if i called you just because?
17. Would you ever listen to my problems even if they dont involve you?
18. If you could change anything about me, would you?
19.Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?
20. are you telling me the truth?

im at my uncles house tonite...yeah, uncle stoner and aunt krista..me mom and krista went and saw one of my best's..he is okay i guess i just want to know he is okay and is gona make it.

when i saw him like up close just me and him i almost cried..god its times like this when i wished i had a boy to hold me because im so scared.

i wish i could make everything better.

we all need to be grateful of what we got and keep precious things near us..im sorry to sound korny and all but its true..god i feel aweful..he said im not suppose to but still :-\

eh, ill update latta i guess..rite now im trying to get andrew to come back from away..

-kj..psst, nothing will be the same.

last nite was so awesome. it was fun as hell.

josh and erika picked me up around 6 we got there stood for like ever lol tosh had MY dress on..i have had it for 2 weeks she got it a few hours b4 the dance..

i had alot of fun i was a lil down at the beginning but i found my whiterney and we hung out!! that made my nite..

erika like was there with josh and tried to keep tabs on me..err that made me a lil irratated but oh well. chris followed me when the circle pod stopped lol

me and jena are now civil with each other..

i got a few pretty pics!! i asked jimmy if he would take a pic with cory for me and josh and chris got in there so its ok i guess..i took a pic of my whiterney, tosh, and kate..AND omg i got one of jesus lol aka: logan he didnt wanna stand in front of the pretty thing :-P....i tried to take a pic of justin and makr but cory put his hand in there and josh pushed my arm lol i love them.

i danced like non-stop and f*cking erika kept laughing at me and whit but wtf ever i didnt let her piss with me tonite..

molly did baaad stuff last nite!! but we wont tell mommy ;-)...

mark wouldnt dance with me...i took corys hat so he didnt look hot anymore lol...my bcf hooked up and didnt tell me so i was last to know - but its koolie i love her...

omg i hated when it ended..i cant wait till all the next dances :-D i had so much fun dancing and running around with whiterney!!

err..mmm..idk i will update later :-P

lattaz..kj

ps - i saw mikey!! woo hoo!!
ps - i was the one with ballz to talk to kansas!! lol

i think im pretty much gonna stop doing things around here..

i mean, i might as well just shut down i mean, whats the use busting my but in skool?

or trying to make friends at skool anymore?

why should i try?!

i quit..i give up :'-(
i cant believe its happening for real this time :'-(
all i have to say is my friends i LOVE LOVE LOVE had better b here for me or they wont have another chance..and it wont b b.c i will ignor them..its b/c we wont b able to communicate with words..

get my drift?
-kj

brandon got all better grades then me..she is a true smartass..but i love him..
anyway..sry i havent updated..not like anyone looks at my blog or comments..but im not going to go into that..
alot of shit has happened this week...
brandon thanks for caring that made me feel good.
um..heres a song i guess :-\

he aint my fav. country singer but i like this song..

I've got a funny feeling
The moment that your lips touched mine
Something shot right through me
My heart skipped a beat in time

There's a different feel about you tonight
It's got me thinkin' lots of crazy things
I even think I saw a flash of light
It felt like electricity

You shouldn't kiss me like this
Unless you mean it like that
Cause I'll just close my eyes
And I won't know where I'm at
We'll get lost on this dance floor
Spinnin' around
And around
And around
And around

They're all watchin' us now
They think we're falling in love
They'd never believe we're just friends
When you kiss me like this
I think you mean it like that
If you do baby kiss me again

Everybody swears we make the perfect pair
But dancing is as far as it goes
Girl you've never moved me quite
The way you moved me tonight
I just wanted you to know
I just wanted you to know

You shouldn't kiss me like this
Unless you mean it like that
Cause I'll just close my eyes
And I won't know where I'm at
We'll get lost on this dance floor
Spinnin' around
And around
And around
And around

They're all watchin' us now
They think we're falling in love
They'd never believe we're just friends
When you kiss me like this
I think you mean it like that
If you do baby kiss me again
Kiss me again

Will you still hold me when you see what I have done?
Will you still kiss♥ me the same when you taste my victim's blood?
So crimson and red, I feel it flowing from your lips

My heart is dead and so are you
And it pulses through, the desire to change
The desire to deconstruct all of my past failings
But where to begin because when you live in sin
It's hard to look at saints without them
Reflecting their jet black auras back on you
And all I have is hope, my inner burn's not fading
I'll wipe the blood from my cheek and get on with my day

Will you still hold me when you see what I have done?
Will you still kiss me the same when you taste my victim's blood?
So crimson and red, I feel it flowing from your lips

And all I have is hope, and all I need is time
To bury in pine under six feet of time
The lies I told me about myself
Claw my way out, pick the splinters from under my fingernails
I won't lose hope, I won't give in
Just live and breathe and try not to die again

ok um, ALOT has happened..alot of personal shit is goin on..i think im gona have a nervous break down..

i feel like puking until i die..gawd i just wish you were here boi..you dont know who you are but its all cool...

i havent been on in the past 3 days...not too much to tell but theres a lil i will update b4 skool tomorrow if my computer is going to b straight...i would update more but its all too personal and shit for all of you to know..


"Brown Eyes"..its for you

(pour some sugar on me)
Ooh, in the name of love
(pour some sugar on me)
C'mon fire me up
(pour your sugar on me)
Oh, i can't get enough

I'm hot, sticky sweet from my head to my feet yeah
Hey! hey! hey!
(huh!)

Listen!
Red light, yellow light, green-a-light go!
Crazy little woman in a one man show
Mirror queen, mannequin, rhythm of love
Sweet dream, saccharine, loosen up
(loosen up) i loosen up
You gotta squeeze a little, squeeze a little, tease a little more
Easy operator come a knockin' on my door
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet
Little miss ah innocent sugar me, yeah
(yeah!)
Give a little more

As im sitting here in my house with the tv on but no sound i think about what could be coming tomorrow..I think of what or who could be watching me from my windows or what could be awaiting me when i least expect it.

Thinking of you makes me upset but thinking of that nite i melt. Thinking of what we had, if you call it anything, was wonderful. i considered it heaven on earth.You may have thought all of that was nothing but i thought of it as something, im not being obcessive i just miss how much i loved what happened and how its always running through my mind especially on nites like this when something bad happens and i clear my head..then you pop in.

Thinking of you makes me feel..little. Small. Tiny. A speck. Thinking of you makes me feel..like dirt. I feel as though i dont matter but you already seem to know but dont want to. Thinking of you, um, makes me feel different. But thats what i love! I dont want to feel the same all the time. I want to feel something new..and you give me that.

When thinking of you he pops in too. When i get the down side to you i think of the up sides to him. When i think of the down side to him i think of the upper hand with you and you always win. But when i think of how he was here a moment ago and i havent seen you in what seems like years, i try to forget about it all.

When i think about me, i know i need someone to care for me. You have and can give me that. But you seem to shy away. He..he doesnt. He shows it and that scares me. I have wanted you first and he came in. I dont like me at all. I dont like the way i think of you, i dont like the way i think of him..i dont like the way i think at all.

Why did you do this to me, Make me wonder and wait? Why did he do this to me, Play me like the fool that i am? Why am i so trusting? Why do i feel like i need a guy to solve my problems? Why? because you make me happy and your the guy i want. I dont want him or him or him or anyone..i want you..i love what you did and i cant hide it and i cant change what you did to me. You put me in this spell and there is only one way to break it..and thats to hurt me..to physically hurt me and make me lose all respect and trust in you. But i know you cant and wont do that so im stuck until this spell wears off.

well last time i updated it was back on the 4th..im not too sure what was wrong but im leaving it alone.

anyway, earlier this week i got a new kitten (its jakes but it lives in MY HOUSE and its name is Garfield). sorry i didnt take yours chris but my mom saved this one..a group of guys were throwing it and kicking it around at a bus stop so my moms co-worker amber took the kitten off of them and that day mom was like thats the one i want so we saved it but now its like really scared of me but it opening up a lil more. i just got to be sure not to throw it b/c i know it can cause a tragic memory to re-occur haha he might even need a therapist!just playin but i do have to be easy on the lil kitten..

um, me and cory have been hangin out lately..thats been fun im so glad i went riding that day lol him and all the nowrytown guys were riding bikes when they stopped me and since then i have been hangin with cory at least like 2-3 times a week lol..i hung with him..um, thursday and yesterday he left this morning he had to go pick up his gram'ma and im goin over there tomorrow b/c all you assholes dont talk to me so dont start this cory and nikki are together again shit b/c i will seriously punch you in the face. just b/c i hang with an ex boyfriend doesnt mean anything..so shut the fuck up you lil bitches whosaid shit..and jena im sorry but you need to mind your own buisness, u dont go around asking people if cory has a sex life and you dont need to b butting your nose into me and him being friends and hangin out. that is how shit starts. i know i know i should have the balls to say it to your face but im only in like 2 of ur classes and shit and i never see you so shut the hell up all u people who think i dont have the balls to.

today brandon came to visit me *aww melt* lmao so just kidding but he only stayed a lil while he had to run home and get his wallet and gas..he said he'll be back but idk we'll find out now wont we haha. me and brandon talk a lil more at skool which makes me happy..i sit with him everyday on the bus in the afternoon..we are always being stupid and shit but i love him..

um yeah i think thats all..idk what else to say without "talking gossip" or "butting into other ppls buisness" but yeah..

ps - this is the same entry in my xanga so if u want to reply there or not read there its kool..

i am in just a messed up mood ahhh!! i wanna yell because im so pist but im like in tears.

i just got off the fone with one of my only best friends and his mom is pist b/c i wrote "i love you ~nikki" on his hand as a friggin joke! i wrote it all through his book just to be a smartass b/c everyone is sayin we are dating.

gawd i friggin hate it here! NO ONE is a friggin constant with me..i mean no one is in constant communication with me. people come here all the time but when it comes to skool im not good enough, there is always some girl or some group of people everyone would rather be with then me.

as for my "best friends" you all can kiss my ass b/c no one f*ckin talks to me on a daily basis..not even to say hello!! there are about 5 people that i am FOR SURE of. and this week, im counting..im making a mental note of all you people to make time to say hey, and if you blow me off or ditch me one more time and then try to be nice, then in the wise words of jimmy pusak..IM GONNA CUT YOUR HEAD OFF AND SH*T DOWN YOUR THROAT! i have had it with you people! i cant stand being here anymore!! i wanna move!! and the only two people who acctually care that i might move to georgia are cory and brandon!!

And So...
for you bitches who ignor me at lunch..f*ck you.
for you guys who dont bother being nice when i ask a simple question..f*ck you!
and for you people who talk shit and start rumors about me..HERE IS A BIG F*CK YOU TOO!!

where the hell does being nice to everyone get you? NO-F*CKING-WHERE!! i know! i am so nice to everyone i consider my "friends" and they treat me like shit. im so f*cking sick of this! I HOPE TO GOD MY MOM MOVES ME TO BLAIRSVILLE B/C I WONT TURN HER DOWN ON THE OFFER!! I WOULD JUMP OFF A BRIDGE IF I COULD MOVE!!

i was so happy to hear from cory when he called..he said did that girl say anything to you? i said no why and he goes b/c she said nikki has one or another thing coming to her! and he said shut up and no you wont, you dont know how shitty she feels rite now she thinks no one likes her b/c everyone blows her off at skool. and a girl who was saying shit about me having sex with her friend was standing there and said yeah i know how she feels, thats why i got home skooled.

OMG!! i dont know of ANYONE who would stick up for me like that!! i cant imagine one of my "friends" doing that! but he did..and SHE did! and i thought she hated me!

i will update tonite fugg this shit. im leaving..i will yell more later i have to do cell fone shit rite now.

a big F-U to you special people..<//3 kj

someone got pist at me for not caring about weather people like them or not and whos to blame for it. okay, you know what, im not beating around the bush.

Jon got mad at me tonite for not telling him im here for him and i care what he feels and he got mad b/c i told him i dont want to hear about his sob story abour courtney and that i dont care about whitneys life or his or courtneys or sams or sadies or toshs or anybody and so for not caring he is pist. well, ive got news for you..I DONT F-ING CARE IF YOUR PIST AT ME!! YOU CANT KISS MY SWEET-HEART WHITE ASS. why should i care?!?!?!?? are you out of your f-ing mind?!?!?! for about the past month, no one at the lunch table has cared to say hello..except whitney adn that was when she needed spanish homework. none of my old friends bother to go out of their way LIKE BEFORE to say hi to me. its always me making the effort to come to them and saying hello. well ive got news for you all. i dont care, the only people that CAME TO ME today to say something was..cory, mark, lucas (for paper), tosh (to joke), and whitney (because in math i didnt bother to "consult" math grades with her and b/c she isnt friends with anyone at her table).

errr im so pist off. im done kissing ass and being nice..like i told brandon and cory in my house, "where the hell does being nice get you? NO WHERE AT ALL." and so brandon was pist at me for being a bitch b/c of course like him and cory are they picked on me and when brandon came cory was beign an ass b/c brandon was around..err i hate when guys do that but w/e i just ignored them and told them to kiss my ass liek i always do.

err..my english paper is due friday i have had since oct 19th ((last wed.)) to do it..meaning i had a lil over a week to do it and i havent even started. my favorite book i own and i am now re-reading for the second time is almost finished..that makes me upset and angry lol i love this silly/stupid lil book.

um, specail thanks to zac my tall buddy..thanks for being so nice and saying i deserved something wonderful after all ive been through. its nice to hear.

im done for now..i will vent more..ALOT MORE...later i guess..maybe not tonite though i dont like the net too much anymore.

<//3 kj..psst: i almost signed this as "<//3 zac" lmao thats funy

it snowed today. we came home early.

gawd im so fed up with this place. i want to move to georgia so bad :'-(
i think alot of you people would get mad at me if i told you my secrets...
but what i think is funy..you all think you know me. you know nothing.

You dont know my worst fear....
My best friend...my favorite place....
My favorite name...my favorite flower....
My favorite class....
I mean, You dont know little stuff like favorite colors and foods or anything.
You dont know what i do in my spare time....
You dont knwo what im starting to love to do....
You dont know one of my passions that i wish i could do....
You dont know what i want in life....
You dont know what carrer i want you know nothing....isnt it funy?

this is sang by a guy...

And I wonder if you ever think about me anymore
And I wonder if you ever think about me when your bored
And I wonder if you ever think about me when you're hangin' in New York

And I wonder if you still think Bono writes his songs for you
And I wonder if the reasons why you left me were untrue
And I wonder if you give him better blow jobs than the ones I got from you

Because...
Girl you mean
So much to me
I wish that we..
Could start it over, start it over
I don't need your sympathy or apologies
Still I'm staring in my coffee cup at six A.M.
And I cannot give.. up

And I wonder if you're happy or just glad to see me scarred
Took my drunken self-confession sober up your bleeding heart
I am bending over backwards to get close to you but still I feel so far

Because...
Girl you mean
So much to me
I wish that we..
Could start it over, start it over
I don't need your sympathy or apologies
Still I'm staring in my coffee cup at six am
And I cannot give.. up

Girl you mean
So much to me
I wish that we could start it over
I don't need your sympathy or apologies
....anymore

Girl you mean
So much to me
I wish that we..
Could start it over, start it over
I don't need your sympathy or apologies
I just want you here with me

boring here. not much happens here. go to skool talk to the fone spend my weekends with cory because no one else cares but its kool, we have fun doing stupid shit...like saterday, mom dropped me and cory off at his house around 630 then we ran to the basketball court to play and we were there (in the dark) for 2 hours playing games and then sunday, it was just us kids at his house his mom dad gram and uncle went to the store and i stole his ring and ran down the ally way he chased me half way it was so much fun but so stupid ha i love those moments :-D

today wasnt SO good, i was in a bad mood, and mom went to the hospitol, something with her back she messed it up at work cleaning the dog cages and catching a dog that was chasing a cat..i was so scared until i found out she would b okay, shes in alot of pain so i have to b on good behavior and maybe i can stay away from thursday nite til sunday nite lol since there anit anything to do here :-)

um, idk what to say i might update lata..

<//3 trueblonde

thursday i was dropped off at corys house off the bus..we hung out and he came here for the nite..

friday we watched tv mostly just hung out, he was suppose to go home that nite (long story wanna know ask lol) and so tina came early :'-( and i guess he told her i was gonna cry (i wasnt but anyway yeah) so she said he could stay but he was to be picked up early in the am..

yesterday (saterday) was good i guess, cory left me around 9 in the am i had to wake him up and i stayed up so he wouldnt fall back asleep and miss his ride so of course i was wide awake..then i layed on my couch from 9 til 3 pm then i decided i should do my paper and burn these cd's so i did my paper and cd's in less then an hour so i watched a movie..Shark Tale..cute movie lol..as soon as i pulled it out brandon and tyler waltz in my house lol so they asked for cory but he wasnt here they left and cory called then i was up til 1230 watching tv on the couch and fell asleep..

today (sunday) i woke up to my telefone ringing i thought it was cory but waited for my moms code to work ;-) *it worked lol* so i answered and it was my babii, he asked me to come visit him so i was there all day til about quarter after 7...we watched 2 movies..van helsing and you got served (yes! i finally watched van helsing ALL THE WAY THROUGH!! i wouldve b4 but thanks to cory brandon and dj that didnt happened b/c they said they would watch it but fell asleep half way through EVRYTIME! so i turned it off but tonite i watched it lol) anyway, we played bball..well kinda lol..we skated a lil i think i made him mad b/c i was too scared to try my ollie and i didnt do it and hes like w/e lets go lol but he was ok..dad came i got dinner at home burned cd's talked on the fone with my babii for 30 minutes and now im watching "How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days" for the 2nd time in a row..never saw the whole thing lol..

um, holy crap feels like i havent been in here in forever lmao..um..yeah..

x.bye.x -- update it latta

ok so im hunry and i go to my moms at 1130 and she asks what im doin up (shes doin a cross word puzzle on the couch..her back is still messed up) so i asked her how to make scrambled eggs yeah yeah i dont know how laught it up come on laugh it up..so anyway im gettin ready to leave and i ask dad if he switched my wash earlier (i started it and he finishes it for me lol) so im leavin and mom says goodnite nicole love you..and i say goodnite love you too..(if you knew me you would know its a big deal for me to say that) but anyway, she goes omg she said something! i said yeah thanks if it wasnt for you sayin it i wouldnt have! now its gonna snow! i hate snow! ha anyway i thought it was funny and i know brandon and cory would have a good ole time laughin at me and idk i could see those 2 sitting together laughing and i would be happy because i made they laugh..anway i need to stop now b4 i get upset..

being upset...its..its...a story alrite. maybe not a long one but yeah.
anyway i have a few things on my mind..not like anyone cares..goodnite and all that junk.

I never should have told her
how cute I thought he was.
I never should have pointed out
his hands,
or how he stands
with one foot propped against the wall.
I never should have told her
how I love his lower lip,
or the way I nearly flip
when he walks by me in the hall
and says hello.

I never should have mentioned...

If I had never told her
how much I like his lashes
and the silver light
that flashes in his violet eyes,
then she might not have noticed them
and she might not have smiled at him
and he might not have noticed her
and he might not have said hello
or asked her out
or given her his ring,
or anything.

I never should have mentioned...

idk..

nothin  has been goin on here..

not like you care..

trying to handle my life one day at a time..

leave a comment on what you think i should write about in my next blog

i just wanna cry.

i feel like i have to puke.

well im baby-sitting rite now so i got to go..

i have a bad feeling about this christmas dance..

i dont wanna go anymore

<//3 trueblonde here

iluvyoubabiiboi

ps - thanks for the picture brandon..that was really random of you..i mean the way you did it ha.

i hate it when girls do those survey things and when it asks "have you ever kissed someone that was just a friend?" and then they answer "kinda" or "i dont know" or "it depends" or "not really" i mean, just yes or no! lol were you dating them or not? lol i wasnt dating a guy and i kissed him. he was just a friend. aDUH!

god people bother me! and ONE of my THREE history partners better get off my back! COLT!! its not my fault! if he starts on me again, im having cory kick his ass!

the christmas dance was last saterday and i almost fought sam, i think it wouldve been a close fight. i was so ready i stepped down a bench on the bleachers and said are you ready?! and she fucking walked away! so whos the pussy bitch now? lmao!! i think its great, she was bitchin at me and saide for bein pussys and i was fucking ready! all i had to do was change my ear-rings and i was ready..if you wanna hear the whole story lemme know...maybe i will blog about the whole fucking awesome thing next..

i hate it when girls do those survey things and when it asks "have you ever kissed someone that was just a friend?" and then they answer "kinda" or "i dont know" or "it depends" or "not really" i mean, just yes or no! lol were you dating them or not? lol i wasnt dating a guy and i kissed him. he was just a friend. aDUH!

god people bother me! and ONE of my THREE history partners better get off my back! COLT!! its not my fault! if he starts on me again, im having cory kick his ass!

the christmas dance was last saterday and i almost fought sam, i think it wouldve been a close fight. i was so ready i stepped down a bench on the bleachers and said are you ready?! and she fucking walked away! so whos the pussy bitch now? lmao!! i think its great, she was bitchin at me and saide for bein pussys and i was fucking ready! all i had to do was change my ear-rings and i was ready..if you wanna hear the whole story lemme know...maybe i will blog about the whole fucking awesome thing next..

AT LEAST IM NOT A PUSSY BITCH AND SAY THE BITCHES NAMES INSTEAD OF SAYING "I WAS GONNA KICK SOME BITCHES ASS AT THE DANCE"

OH, BY THE WAY, "I REALIZED THEY WERENT WORTH IT" IS A LOAD OF BULLSHIT SAM, YOU WERE FUCKING CHICKEN! YOUR ALL FUCKING TALK! WHOS THE PUSSY NOW! I CANT BELIEVE YOU ACCTUALLY USED THE EXCUSE "THEY ARENT WORTH IT" YOUR JUST A BIG FAT WORN AND TORN PUSSY AND WAS TOO CHICKEN TO FIGHT US SO CALLED "BITCHES" AND BEING CALLED A BITCH DOESNT HURT LOL SORRY!! NEXT TIME YOU SAY YOU WANNA KICK SOME "BITCHES" ASS, JUST FUCKING DO IT AND STOP YOUR FUCKING TALKING!! NEXT TIME YOU TALK SHIT ON ME LETS GO UNLESS YOU WANNA GO CRY ABOUT DJ AGAIN

FUCKING PUSSY!!

--NIKKI

ps - whats the deal with your friends? at first you were "best friends" with jordan and courteny and then you were "best friends" with sadie and a week b4 u 2 fought, you were tearing jordan AND courtney up GOOD JOB!  and now your with them and tearin up sadie...whats your problem? cant make up your mind? you will go back to sadie eventually..or you will find new "best friends" and tear up courtney and jordan again..just wait, you will see...give it time.

well..im really pist off im haveing the worst time of my life...i hate christmas so badly now.

things are so hard anymore and i just wish i had a friend to talk to.

this hurts so bad. no one caring weather you wake up in the morning..

no one to care weather ur sick or not..

no one to care that ur not at skool..no one notcies when im gone but if someone else is they are like omg nikki wheres so and so!!

no one cares enough to call me every once in awhile after they see i had a bad day at skool...

no one even cares enough to remember my birthday, or to call to say happy thanksgiving or anything

the only one was cory and on my birthday tosh called me..

it feels like none of you care except for cory and half the time he yells at me for being upset and not happy

i just want someone who cares and understands me, someone who is patient enough to wait for me to come out of the bathroom after i cried, just someone who will tell me everythings ok and play with my hair till im asleep...gawd. im so stupid.

fugg it all..im giving up soon anyway -- true blonde.

the reason i wanna be in this is gone so i guess im not gonna be using this anymore..

i will check in once and awhile to see if anyone wants to talk to me...

even though i dont get on much my s/n is hckchicksvn have fun without me people...

im not leaving..people want me to stay so i shall

i have a myspace if any of you are into that too..

http://www.myspace.com/playboybabiiboo

<3 trueblonde